Dear Leslie,
2012 is just around the corner and I really, really, really want to ride in the Olympics. The only problem is, my horse’s track record isn’t exactly spotless, and I don’t think the selectors could pick me out of a lineup even if I was wearing a skull cap and my cross-country vest so obviously I am not on any training lists. Is it too late to turn my Olympic dream into reality?
Suggestions greatly appreciated,
London or Bust
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Dear London or Bust,
If you were asking me whether you could still make the team for rhythmic gymnastics, synchronized swimming or Greco-Roman wrestling, I would find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to smother your dream with a pillow. Success in these, as in many Olympic sports, is dependent solely upon talent, skill and determination. Lack one and you’re screwed.
In eventing, however, there also exists a fourth variable: $$$. Always remember that with a little luck and unlimited funds, anything is possible. To illustrate, I’ve broken your roadmap to Olympic glory down into four simple steps. All that you need to get started is a few million bucks. (I’ll leave that part up to you.)
Step #1: While money can’t keep you from falling off your horse over an Olympic-caliber course, it can help you to acquire an Olympic-caliber horse to fall off of. Now that you’re loaded, make William Fox-Pitt an offer he can’t refuse, or buy that new horse out from under Karen O’Connor–she’ll get over it eventually. Remember, though, that this step has to complete by the end of the year, so you’d better start blowing cash ASAP.
Step #2: Phew! Writing a giant check for your new Olympic partner was the tricky part. Now you just have to qualify for a spring four-star–either Rolex or Badminton will do. This is also a good time to send each member of the selection committee a nice fruit basket just to get your name out there. (By “fruit basket,” I mean “the keys to a new Mercedes and a timeshare in the Bahamas.”)
Step #3: Now that you’re on the selectors’ radar, the best way to seal the deal is actually winning that four-star. It sounds hard, but all you have to do is ride a better dressage test than anyone else and jump clean and fast. No big deal, especially since you’re riding La Biosthetique Sam and you hired Jeff Gillooly to break Phillip Dutton’s leg before cross-country.
Step #4: Go get measured for your Pinque coat, baby, because you’re going to London!
Ok, ok. I suppose there is always a chance that something could go wrong with steps #1-4. Maybe your four-star doesn’t go as planned. Or maybe you win your four-star but it turns out that the “selection committee” is actually comprised of Captain Mark Phillips, a bottle of scotch and a magic-8 ball. Maybe your horse just gets a stone bruise. When it comes to horses, all the money in the world doesn’t guarantee success.
So perhaps a better plan is this:
Get some good help with the horse you already have–he might surprise you. Or invest in a young horse that shows potential and embark upon the rewarding journey of bringing him up through the levels yourself. Success tastes sweetest when it’s the result of patience and hard work; when you skip steps, it’s going to catch up to you eventually. Most importantly, remember to take pleasure in the process even as you’re focusing on your goals.
Good luck!
Leslie
p.s. Rio de Janeiro is way prettier than London, anyway.
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