Eventing Granny: Feedback Loop – It Can Be Heaven or It Can Be Hell

Cindy Adcock, creator of the blog Eventing Granny, describes herself as a “legit” Beginner Novice eventer; her partner-in-crime is Josie, a soon-to-be 16-year-old redheaded Irish Draught mare. “She is so awesome and the perfect partner for me to do this,” Cindy says. “She loves to jump, hates dressage and takes awesome care of me! I have had her for almost four years and she is SO glad that we are finally doing this! Follow our journey to AEC’s 2019 in Kentucky where it will also be my 60th year on this earth. I am having a blast as a late to life eventer!” Read more of Cindy’s EN Bloggers Row posts here.

Photo by Cindy Adcock.

April 27 seems longer than simply a month ago. But about a month ago was when Josie got injured. Now, the good news? We are 30 plus days into a 90-day rehab and the knot on her leg has gone down. First course of shockwave is this Thursday followed by two more and hopefully a return to work.

The first 30 days of hand walking consisted of me and Pandora. The next 60 days incorporate my summer reading lists of audio books. Here is that list, if anyone is interested.

Braving the Wilderness – Brene Brown
Getting to Yes – Roger Fisher
The Alchemist – Paulo Coelho
Conversations with God – Neil Donald Walsch
I thought it was just me – Brene Brown
The Year of Yes – Shonda Rhimes
Sacred Success – Barbara Stanny
5 second Rule – Mel Robbins
Playing Big– Tara Mohr
Secrets of the Millionaire Mind – T Harv Eker
The Desire Map – Danielle LaPorte
Awaken The Giant Within – Tony Robbins
The Big Leap – Gay Hendricks
Big Magic – Elizabeth Gilbert
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – Mark Manson
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself – Dr. Joe Dispenza
Daring Greatly — Brene Brown

I use to be a huge reader and somewhere along the way, that habit passed. I am choosing audio books because of the sheer amount of time I am on the road with my day job. It beats listening to news channels where, ironically, no real news is given. I am two books in and the second one I downloaded I am listening to for the second time. It is The Subtle Art. I must say, it is epic and very timely. I do think this is a must read for everyone. Whether or not this book would speak to you or not — there are points to ponder.

One thing I find myself do (and am working on to NOT do) — The Feedback Loop from Hell. What happens with this lovely little loop is we find something to fixate on. It might be the smallest thing on the face of God’s green earth but we do it. Then we get mad at ourselves for going down that road because we know it is silly. THEN we get mad that we are getting mad. For me? It is all about my perceptions of where I SHOULD be in my riding. Comparison is a bitch. It is hard to not go down this path. Here is my feedback loop.

Me: I should be further along than I am, I suck as a rider

Me: Are you kidding me?! Look how far you have come! Two years ago? Hell, one year ago you were just “doing” not #actuallyriding. Sweet mother, get your head out of your arse.

Me: Geez, you are right, I suck for thinking I suck.

Me: But look at what so and so is doing, look at them!

Me: Really? Didn’t we just cover this. Geez, you are exhausting!!

Me: Well, now I feel bad for making myself feel bad and putting myself out and exhausting myself.

#mybrainisacomplicatedplace

The good news? I am normal, or at least I hope I am normal! I think we all do this to a varying degree and we are NOT doing ourselves any favors. Yes, there are people who are way further along than I am but there are also people who would love to be where I am. It is how it always is and how it always will be.

Here is something else I am learning. If I don’t fail, I won’t progress. Yes, doing something right is good but failing at something and THEN getting it right? That is a sweet feeling. Beth is constantly telling me that when I get out of my own way I am better than I think I am. The trick is to get out of my way more and quicker. Then I can progress, then I can improve.

I want to be brave and bold. But wanting to be something is not actually BEING something. The question is one for me to continue to ponder and work on. How to be brave and bold? At the heart of that question is another one – how can I be brave and bold if I do not trust myself and my riding? If I believe I can, truly believe that I can do whatever it is I want to do – then I should be able to. That I can’t be brave and bold on a consistent basis speaks more to the fact that at some level I still do not QUITE trust myself and what I can do. I WANT to trust myself – I just don’t. Still working on this answer but I do know that part of the answer is in the doing, in the failing and in the accomplishing. I have to be unafraid of failing in order to be brave and bold.

Acknowledging the feedback loop and finding a positive one rather than the one from hell? That is what the goal is. Well, that and a sound pony…!

Photo by Cindy Adcock.

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