He’s ba-ack! PLUS a very special bonus video that is guaranteed to scar you for life.
Since our last edition of “Bad Jumping Clinic,” we’ve had numerous reader requests for more George Morris.
Lucky for us, Horse Nation keeps a professional extortionist on staff for situations just like these. Mere hours after being bound, gagged, and forced to watch the entire archive of Horse Nation “Oh Crap Moment of the Day” videos on repeat, George gave in and agreed to write another column.
Take it away, George!
Rider #1
I’d like to start by pointing out the fact that, as soon as you people untie me from this chair, I AM going to call the police. You do realize that, right?
[HN extortionist laughs because what George doesn’t know is that we’re going to keep him here forever.]
OK, let’s get this over with. Our first rider is doing a great job of jumping… sidesaddle. Unfortunately, I’m guessing that isn’t her intention. I wish I had some popcorn and a photo of what happens next. That’s the job I really want: getting paid to critique photos of riders writhing around on the ground in pain and agony. Maybe I’ll pitch the idea to Practical Horseman. It’ll be called, “That’s-What-Happens-When-You-Don’t-Listen-To-George Jumping Clinic with George Morris.”
On the bright side, their turnout is neat and conservative, just the way I like it. I haven’t glimpsed a flat hunting bridle in the show ring since the Nixon era. Maybe there’s hope for this pair yet.
Rider #2
I’m sensing a theme! Here’s another rider who is missing the point completely, the point being to ride the part of the horse that has the saddle strapped to it. I’ve heard of neck-riding, but geez. Now would be a great time for this pony to stop for a snack.
Rant time: I despise these newfangled horses with spots all over them. Tacky, tacky, tacky. In my ideal world, everyone would ride plain bays, perhaps with a few chestnuts mixed in for variety. Not unlike too-short coat sleeves and too-large saddle pads, oddly-colored mounts are distracting, taking the judge’s attention away from the quality of the performance. On second thought, I suppose that isn’t a bad thing in this case.
Moving on.
Rider #3
Longtime readers of my Jumping Clinic column have heard me talk about a “floating crest release,” or a release that hovers just above the neck. I hate floating crest releases. What I hate even more is when an entire human being is hovering just above his or her horse. Can Superman fly? I guess we’ll see here in about a tenth of a second.
This horse, on the other hand, seems to have opted out of any type of gravity-defying activity that requires all four feet to leave the ground simultaneously. A wise decision, I’d say.
OK, I wrote this stupid column, time to unstrap me from the chair. Hey, why are you walking away? Do you KNOW who you’re dealing with?! Get back here! I want my lawyer! You can’t do this to George Mor….
—————
Wow, a big thank-you to George Morris for another great Bad Jumping Clinic column! We’re so thrilled to have him back, we thought we’d celebrate with an extra-special treat!
Go George Morris, and Go Riding!
—————
Do you have a bad jumping photo you’d like to submit for critique? Email it to [email protected].
All photos used with permission. Not actually written by George Morris. Seriously, he didn’t write it. With inspiration from Practical Horseman‘s “Jumping Clinic with George Morris.”
