Ask the Expert: Your #1 Source for Terrible Eventing Advice

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POP QUIZ: Which of these people should you definitely NOT take advice from?

 

Dear Leslie,

I read on Eventing Nation this weekend that Captain Mark Phillips got in trouble for moving a bush or something at the Pan Am Games. What’s up with that? Is it bad that our team coach got a yellow card? Is it weird?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Frankly, I think the whole Pan Am Games were a little weird. As they say, though, what happens in Guadalajara stays in Guadalajara, so we’ll never really know what went on down there. The stories continue pouring in, of riders crashing round cross-country at top-speed, of armed guards and trampled spectators, of the cream of our nation’s sporting press passed out in the media tent and, now, our team coach caught with his hand in the bushes.

Regarding these most recent allegations of Phillips’ “incorrect behaviour,” there is, of course, some debate about what happened. Did he move the bush to make for a better line to the next jump? Had the bush blown over and he was simply setting it back upright? Was he being helpful? Malicious? Was he attempting to sabotage the other teams?

I don’t know, but I do know a little something about breaking the rules. This incident with Phillips reminds me of the time I got in (big) trouble at the Ocala airport three or four winters ago. I was flying home to Tennessee for the weekend and got held up by airport security because my carry-on suitcase contained–wait for it–several hypodermic needles, a bottle of acepromazine and “explosive materials.” (I had the ace for body-clipping, and you just never know when you’re going to need sparklers.) I’d absentmindedly packed these prohibited items in a concealed pocket before I went to Florida in the first place then forgot about them until they ran my bag through the scanner. Totally innocent, right? But to airport security, you see, it appeared that I was plotting to inject the pilot with horse sedatives and blow up the plane with sparklers.

What I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t matter what your intentions are: If you break a rule, then you’re liable to get an FEI yellow card or your own personal NSA file. There are a million ways to get in trouble in both eventing and in life, and the good news about eventing is that at least it comes with a rulebook. Of course, the rulebook is long and boring and nobody reads it, so I’m going to help you out with a list of the top 5 ways to avoid getting a yellow card:

5.    If you fall off or have 3 refusals, game over.

4.    Try not to run over people with your horse.

3.    Teach your horse to stop and steer on command.

2.    Don’t abuse officials or your horse.

And…

1.       Do not, under any circumstances, move the bushes.  

Good luck!

Leslie

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