Katie Lindsay: Fun and Games at the Hunter Show

By John on

Thumbnail image for katherinelindsay.jpg

From Katie Lindsay: 

What pisses me off worse than anything in the world is the blinding rage I feel when reading something really good that was written by someone who is a better writer than I am. This invariably brings on alternating bouts of uncontrollable temper, insomnia, and abject teeth gnashing depression. Recently, our very own John of Eventing Nation fame and fortune (not) wrote an “interview,” Montana FAQ, that had me howling with laughter. After wiping up the coffee I’d sprayed all over my keyboard and thanking God that I do my own laundry, my Scorpion nature kicked in, the gist of which is “I don’t want to get ahead. I just want to get even.” Today, the opportunity to so so presented itself and went something like this. 

A horse belonging to a good friend of mine was competing in a Hunter Derby at a quadruple (or whatever the Hell) A summer H/J show in the neighborhood. I was told that the class would run “around 11 A.M.” Now I was raised doing the hunters – indoors, outdoors , you name it – and to this day, I still love watching a good hunter go, but midway in my competitive career, I crossed over to (cue the Twilight Zone theme music) The Dark Side, eventing, where I have since been in ever evolving capacities. In the time that has elapsed, I’d managed to forget the number one thing that really annoyed me back then – waiting endlessly for Susie Creamcheese to get her ass to the in gate and ride instead of dicking around in the warm up ring waiting for her trainer to appear and earn his or her day fee bellowing inanities at her. I was painfully reminded today! 

Anyway, I digress. 11 AM oozed on glacierlike to 1 PM, and in the meantime, I watched (sort of) a 2 hour, six horse Medal (or Maclay, never could tell the difference) qualifying class. I sat and sucked on a cup of pretty bad coffee and amused myself by covertly studying the father of one of the riders who alternated bellowing into his mobile phone with twitching and groaning while watching his offspring’s rivals crawl around the ring. All of a sudden, John’s Montana FAQ interview, the object of my rageful envy, popped into my consciousness. Why not a fantasy interview with a teen aged hunter equitation rider, I asked myself. It could be pretty funny – and it would give me something to do besides becoming over caffeinated, studying the backs of my eyelids, and reorganizing my life yet again. The result of this fantasy trip follows – and yes, John, I plagerized the Hell out of your piece. Sue me for all my back pay! 

July 30, 2010 – Equifantasy Horse Show, Somewhere in the hot Middlewestern Boonies. 

I approach teenaged girl who had earlier won a class and is now busy texting. She is dressed in the prerequisite white pattern on pattern shirt, choker, low slung baby barf colored breeches, black boots, helmet, and side buckled, bling encrusted belt. I had done some research from her show number (clever reporter that I am). Her name is Britiffuffy Loganthorne. (Note first name that combines the best of Brittany, Tiffany and Buffy, and the last name which I earlier learned was changed from Madoff four years ago by her hedge fund managing father. You get the drift – the same drift that the SEC evidently missed ….)  

Me (perkily) : “Hi. I’m (mumble name) a free lance writer doing an article for (mumble unintelligible equine magazine name) about your win. May I have a word with you?” 

BL : (never missing a beat of her texting) “Huh?” 

Me : (repeat opening sentence slower) 

BL : “Oh yeah. Like OK.” Still texting. 

Me : “You must be quite happy with your blue ribbon today. Any thoughts?” 

BL : “Yeah. It was good, but it’s like a crappy ribbon. Hihowzitgone?” (the last to a passing contemporary clone) 

Me :  “Your horse, Out Until Dawn, was brilliant. Does he have a stable name?” 

BL : (looking up from her tiny keyboard) “Name? Oh yeah I guess. Like Hank.” 

Me : “I’d like to get some pictures of him relaxing. What stall is he in?” 

BL : “Stall? I dunno. I’ve never been there. My Own like brings him here to the ring for me.” 

Me : “My Own?” 

BL : “Yeah. My Own Groom. Everyone has one.” 

Me : “What’s his name? Maybe I could get a quote from him.” 

BL : “Name? Dunno. We like call them all Juan.”  

Me : (rapidly changing the subject) “Was your trainer pleased with your win?” 

BL : “I guess. She told my Dad he had to buy me another practice horse if I’m going to like win at the indoors this fall. He got pretty hacked off. Everyone has at least two practice horses. I don’t like see why I can’t.” (This in an especially unattractive whiney voice). “He’ll come around.” 

Me : (anxious to get some kind of usable quote out of this brain dead child) “Do you find it difficult to combine school work with your riding career, especially if your goal is doing the Indoors?” 

BL : “Huh? Wadyamean?” 

Me : (suddenly too tired to go on and longing for a gin and tonic to ease the pain) “Forget it. Thanks for your time.” 

I exit stage left and find the nearest dark and soothing bar where I still sit depressed because John still writes better than I do and probably always will.  

Categories:

Eventing Nation, Katie Lindsay
  • John

    If the ruse that I am even a mediocre writer on a good day keeps Katie writing wonderful stuff like this then I'll count my blessings. Of course, I got the idea for the FAQ piece from Visionaire, who had a better one than mine about Rolex (search "Rolex FAQ"). But, I do know your pain Katie, and I get jealous every time we post a guest piece--I consider myself the 4th or 5th best writer at Eventing Nation. Thanks for writing this Katie!

  • VicariousRider

    I read this blog to remain informed about eventing in our country and, frankly, am disappointed that such a catty post would be published here. While we all may have our opinions about other disciplines, we should also "do unto others" as we wish them to do unto us. Especially since there is pretty consistent complaining about the manner in which eventing is presented to the public by the press. Call me uptight, but I just don't find posts like this interesting or productive, no matter what my personal opinions about the H/J world. Of course, this is your forum, John, but I felt compelled to share my thoughts.

  • 3azey

    So, how did your friend's horse do in the Derby? Or did you go completely comatose prior to that point...

  • Anonymous

    I have to agree with Vicarious Rider. I was pretty shocked when I read this post this morning. I am a hunter rider/daily reader of eventing nation. I am not an eventer nor do I have any plans of ever competing in the eventing world. I love riding H/J and I love reading this site for the wonderful horse/grooming tips as wells as reading about news in other disciplines. Reading a post like this really perpetuates putting "walls up" between disciplines and I thought that eventing nation would not tolerate nor promote that.

    I was deeply offended after reading this as it stereotypes hunter riders as snobby, rich, and dumb. This really belittles the majority of us that work full time jobs, spend nights in the barn mucking stalls to help pay our board, shop for used/discount tack and hand-me-downs, ride crazy horses off the track because we can't afford "made hunters", and haul our horses to shows in old-constantly-breaking-down trucks/trailers, just to have a few minutes in the ring with the hopes of getting slight recognition for all of our hard work and long hours.

  • equidae

    While VicariousRider makes a good point, I have to say that this pretty well sums up my experiences with the H/J scene. Over the course of my career, I've developed a healthy skepticism about anything H/J related. It's true that a well-trained, well-ridden hunter can be beautiful to watch. On the other hand, there's very few examples of well-trained, well-ridden H/J's. There are some VERY good horsemen and women in the H/J world but, unfortunately, they seem to be outnumbered by people who are more concerned with fashion than horsemanship.

    It seems that it's all too often more about showing off your expensive horses, tack, Tailored Sportsmans, blingy belts and flavor-of-the-month hunt coats. My theory on H/J trainers alongside the show ring is that it usually relates more to bragging rights (i.e., "Look who -I- can afford lessons from!") than actually helping one's riding. (Imagine the uproar if they adopted the "unauthorized assistance" rule!) Meanwhile, the horses are all running around the ring, hollow-backed, above the bit and bordering on out of control. (There's no scarier place to be than in the warm-up ring at a H/J show!)

    To add to the problem, too few H/J trainers bother to teach their horses the bare-bones basics like accepting the bit and bending through the body, much less teach their students how to ask for such things. In many cases, it's all about looking the part rather than actually influencing the horse positively. In cases where the horse DOES receive proper training, it's all too often the trainer that does all the work while the rider is just a passenger at shows. I've even seen cases where the trainer warms up and schools the horse and the rider only rides in the show ring. Being able to look pretty on a pre-made horse over a dozen or so jumps does not equal being an accomplished rider, although many in the H/J world would probably disagree!

    To frame things another way, in two months of dressage lessons, I learned more about being an effective rider than in the preceding nine months taking H/J lessons at a barn that's always "in the ribbons" at national-level shows! 'Nuf said!

  • Kim

    Honestly? Nail hit on head. Hunter/jumper riders SHOULD be offended--not because of the piece, but because of the reality. I used to do a lot of equine journalism--way too many kids I interviewed sounded exactly like this, it was pulling teeth to get a single usable quote that didn't sound exactly like everyone else's. And they all seemed to have multiple strings of wildly expensive horses, all of which they traded off to a groom the moment they left the ring. There were some really lovely kids who rode very well and cared a lot for their horses--they were the ones who couldn't afford their own 6-figure horses, who were catch-riding and braiding and working their tails off, and they seemed like the hope for the future. Most of the brats quit riding the second their junior eligibility ended.

    I initially started thinking about switching to eventing because the eventers were so much more fun to interview. They'd tell it to me straight. Buck Davidson regarding his first trip around Rolex, at age 18: "It was so cold, my horse, I thought he was gonna lay down. Everyone thought it was so great I didn't look nervous, but that was just because I had frozen to death." Even now I remember that, and remember how funny, graceful, and honest he was, at such a young age. I never saw that from the hunter world. Sorry if it offends anyone to hear it.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for the comments everyone - and believe me, i can be just as catty "interviewing" an eventer or a DQ - and in fact, I'll do just that for my next postings. I'm an equal opportunity observer!

    Katie

  • BBowen

    Lord, I did get a good laugh out of this. I am an eventer at heart, but my young horse has hunter written all over her, so that is how she is being started. Had my first experience at a h/j show about a month ago and it was a whole different world. The waiting is just unbearable. There is no going for a little while to watch a friend ride and then getting on with your day. You better plan to spend the whole day, and I live five minutes from the show grounds.

    I have met a number of very nice people from the h/j world, unfortunately, so many come across as entitled and just downright disrepectful of others. One well-known area trainer was unfortunately on our aisle and parked his golf cart in the aisle blocking the best path for the horses. Rarely did I see a smile on young riders' faces. Riding and being with our horses should be fun and a joy. I understand having a groom at the big shows when you have a number of classes, but I want that time with my horse.

    They need to come out to the Maui Jim Eventing Derby and see what fun really is.

    Thanks, Katie for my morning chuckle.

  • Beth Collier

    I thought it was very funny and right on....If you wrote the same type of thing about dressage (my favorite sport) I would get a laugh out of that too.
    The first upper level event I went to as a spectator at Morven Park Bruce Davidson was walking out to x-c on his first horse and said hi to everyone. I thought it was very friendly. Buck is always good for a memorable quote.

  • Eventer4Life

    Well, I found this hilarious. I started out showing h/j and even in the little local classes, it was starting to approach this level of ridiculous look-at-me-look-at-me.
    And to anyone offended by this...
    Well, the Montana FAQ? Pretty much the same thing as this, yeah? I'm from Montana and found it hilarious. So if you're a H/J rider and insulted by it, just loosen up a little and take an accurate look at your sport.

  • Anonymous

    Knowing Katie, she'll spear the eventer, the jumper, and the dressage riders in her next piece. I thought it was funny and fabulous - and Susie Creamcheese has now entered my vocabulary. Katie's a treasure - John, more of her pieces please!!

  • Mischief_Maker

    Well i am a h/j rider and I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!! Its totally true!! Im one of the few who takes are of my own horses, and i could tell you just about everything about my horses down to the last little funny hair on his butt. I bathe them, I braid them, i tack them (and clean my own tack) and then i get dressed. Ive been to shows where the girls only see the horse when they ride it and then never again till the have to ride again. And as for my trainer, I am confident with what she has taught me and i am very capable of riding a course *gasp* WITHOUT HER HELP!! hahah this made me laugh so much because its true!!! and if your offended, your probably one of "Those" people! ;) I am wanting to get in to eventing badly since i came upon this website :) just because of the laid "backed ness"

  • eventer79

    Oh geez people, remember, if you can't laugh at yourself (or your discipline), than what's the point of living? I thought this post was hilarious. I did hunters for a while -- I finally got bored and quit, tired of waiting for interminable hours while Barbie whined for her trainer or stared blankly into space. Every sport has its cliches, I'm sure we will get plenty of eventing ones, which I look forward to with equal zeal!!

  • Mischief_Maker

    I agree whole heartedly Eventer79!!

  • Monty White

    you yanks, you're a funny bunch! You should come over to the Royal Windsor Horse Show. You'll find all sorts of shenanigans there to write about from all corners of the equestrian disciplines.

  • VicariousRider

    For the record: I am not a H/J rider nor am I offended. I just don't think that this type of commentary on a website titled "Eventing Nation" does anything by foster bad feelings. Whether I find the article funny or not, the harsh reality is that as a blog like this gets more and more attention, it begins to be seen as a "voice" for a group. I don't particularly love the idea of partaking in the judgmental dialogue that so many often criticize. It's just not terribly mature. However, at the end of the day it is John and Katie's call. I just feel that it is responsible to think of how this entry represents OUR sport.

  • Anonymous

    Does it matter? its one website and they have said they welcome all disciplines here so why make a big deal out of nothing? if you dont like it dont read it its not a big deal. Your not the website police of the horse world just get over it

  • clb

    Hummm - so, my eventing partner went to a decent sized H/J show with her fancy mare who is a beautiful dark bay (almost black). Her saddle & bridle are both that lovely lighter tan colour. The comments that were thrown her way (from people who are about 6 years away from legally buying a case of beer in the States) were along the lines of "Wow, what were you thinking when you decided blonde on black would be a good idea..." C’mon, REALLY?
    And hooolyyy - eventer79 - ding ding ding - you nailed it on the head with that comment. I am sure all us 'eventers' are considered reckless, beer guzzling, adrenaline junkie maniacs who are 4 minutes away from being committed to an Insane Asylum. Isn't that our cliche? Or somewhere along those lines? The difference in atmosphere from an event to an H/J show is truly remarkable.
    Katie - I love your articles and - feel free to roast the eventers next week because I will more then likely end up spitting out my coffee onto my keyboard from laughing so hard while I sit there going "Yep, I've done that".

  • UpYourOxer

    Ohhhh, Vicarious, you sound like you'd be fun at parties. This post does not represent eventing as a whole, no offense to Katie, of course. This piece is dead-on. And I can say that because I worked in hunters on the silly quadruple A circuit for years. And while I love the art that is hunter riding, the people can be all of this and worse!

    Daddy's private jet was left out, as was the limo that comes up the aisle between the temporary show stalls to pick up child to take to Daddy's jet. Child who is probably 14 also had a huge birthday party that week that rivaled a P Diddy party, and she and her friends got so remarkably wasted (even though Mommy and Daddy were there) that they often puked off the sides of their horses in warm-up the next morning. It can be nauseating to throw your hands up to your horses ears over every fence, I guess.

    It's all true, these girls exist. So do the hardworking ones who have seen the inside of a stall or touched a lead rope. They're just not as funny.

    And do you really think that the Britiffuffys of the world read riding blogs? Let alone eventing blogs? Relax about protecting your responsible and mature reputation. The people that come here clearly have a great sense of humor, and can enjoy a hilarious roast, and appreciate it for what it is. Harmless, funny-cause-its-true, entertaining, and well done!

  • Katie

    "... And do you really think that the Britiffuffys of the world read riding blogs? Let alone eventing blogs?'

    ...or dare I say read anything that isn't in textese?!

  • horsey11

    This deffiately sums up the HJ world. I Once new a kid that could only win in the A circut on a 40,000 dollar pony!

    LOVE eventing!

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