Things that are more fun than doing your work–dressing dogs as hot dogs.
As most of you already know, John and this website have an amazing ability to completely derail you from an otherwise perfectly productive day. While everything you read on the site is likely to fill you with information that is fascinating and exciting, it usually makes all other areas of your work-day useless. The ability for one to procrastinate in their daily “required” work is unparalleled. Sorry people, Eventing Nation is unfortunately not considered billable time. So, keeping with the true spirit of Eventing Nation: Instead of studying for my 3 exams this week, I have decided to create a little quiz for my fellow procrastinators. As with my favorite Microbiology teacher’s quizzes, one or more answers may be the correct response.
Anyone who can even remotely answer any of the following questions will receive a night out dancing with John. I assure you, you will not be disappointed!
1. You are driving home from an event, running very low on diesel. Upon pulling into the parking lot, you realize that despite all of the open gas pumps, a small car (note to the soccer mom crowd: most American mini-vans are NOT diesel) has decided to use the only gas pump that in fact blocks the diesel pump. You…
a. Politely sit in your truck and wait for the car to move while secretly growing more and more agitated because the person has just gone inside to shop, use the bathroom, and browse through the terrible Buy 4, get 19 free movie section.
b. Get out of the truck, ask the person if they would mind using a different pump because you are almost out of diesel and really need to fill up before you are completely out. The person then stares back at you while continuing to place the gas pump into their car. Wipe the blank stare off their face with a sweet left hook.
c. Do the obvious: Pull your truck as close as possible to the car blocking your diesel pump. Laugh out loud while the person stands there looking panicked, thinking you are going to push them out of the way. Then take a picture and send it to your roommate, friends, and colleagues with the caption, “I needed #$$^$##% diesel.” Bonus points if truck bumper makes contact with said irritating non-diesel vehicle.
2. Running late to class, work, meeting, or wherever you are headed, you burst into the room, throw your bag down, sit down, and then realize that everyone is now staring at you. It is not because you are late however; it is because you have spilled across the table the entire contents of your horse’s drug collection. You…
a. Calmly put the items back into your bag while pretending that no one has in fact noticed and they are still staring at you only because you are clearly very good at doing your hair.
b. Look around the room terrified and quietly say, “I would appreciate if you could all stop judging me, I am trying hard to get over last years downs in the best way possible. Heroin is the hardest one to kick.”
c. Look the closest person in the eye, slowly wink and say “I’ll give you a good deal.”
a. Say, “mmm… Chocolate.” Then take your finger, swipe it over the stain and lick it.
b. Explain to the people that your newborn baby (which they all know you do not have) has spit up on you and to prevent him or her from doing it to these fine, clean, people, you have left the baby in the car. Of course, you rolled the windows down for proper air flow.
c. Take your shirt off, turn it inside out and completely ignore the fact you just got stared at for undressing in public.
4. When approaching a jump at an angle (purposely) and the goal is to get your horse to the base in a very controlled canter, not let him take over if you get close to the jump, and prevent yourself from going completely blank in the mind. You should…
a. Close your eyes and hope for the best while keeping at least one leg on.
b. Sit up, close your leg and support off the ground
c. Look down, wonder if there is any more room for your animal to put his feet, take your leg off, peer over his neck to support your feeling that yes in fact there is not another stride or any stride for that matter…. thus falling over your very large animal, while your air bag inflates, your very tall horse is now confused and tries to go to his knees in an effort to perhaps give you what you wanted all along – for your horse to lie down. You then scream like a baby because your leg may be broken but turns to only have a small bruise.
d. Quit riding.
Eventing Nation’s selections (or my personal choices) have been bolded for your viewing pleasure.
Ghost writer–your contributions were cheerfully accepted.
