To Love a Horse Girl

One of my very best friends and her horse Cosmo. (EN recommends wearing a helmet at all times when mounted.) One of my very best friends and her horse Cosmo. (EN recommends wearing a helmet at all times when mounted.)

To love a horse girl means a lot of things. It means you have to be willing to give up weekends for horse shows, be okay with dirt, poop, and odd smells, sit through lessons where you don’t understand a single thing, listen to horse babble all the time, be a professional videographer (especially on show days), and most of all, know that you probably won’t come first. Our horses do.

That doesn’t mean that we won’t love you or that you’ll be entirely neglected. Just know that if the choice is between a horse show or a weekend getaway, we’ll suggest that walking a cross country course is more romantic than walking on a beach. So be ready for some manual labor “vacations.”

We require a certain breed of man, just like we require a certain breed of horse for our disciplines. If you don’t like the outdoors, then we might as well not even go on a first date. If you think animals are a nuisance, please leave before I slap you. If you feel like saying, “All you do it sit there, it’s not really a sport,” don’t. The slap is valid in this scenario as well.

We’re not mean, we just know what we want. And we don’t like people who get in the way of our horses. It might be considered a hobby to the outside world, but to us, it’s a way of life.

So if you want to date a horse girl, you need to know (and accept!) a few things. Our profile picture will almost always be our horse. We’ll go to the barn and ride before we make any plans to hang out with you. We’ll have helmet hair on 99% of our dates.

The Dover catalog is our bible, and they have a thing called a wishlist. You’ll need to shop for us there, not at the mall for a new top we’ll end up ruining at the barn. We talk about our horses a lot, but try to keep note of what we say, you’ll be tested on his/her favorite treat later on. Consider the barn odor our “eau de toilette,” because it’s not going away any time soon.

If you’re loving enough to sit through our lessons and even listen to the play by play afterwards, you’ll get major brownie points. If you ask us how our horse is feeling or if he’s doing better when he’s hurt, you’ll make our day. If you compliment our horse on how handsome he is, you’ll probably get a better reaction than if you tell us how pretty we are.

If you drive a truck, we’ll look at it and see if it could haul our trailer. If you give us a bouquet of carrots for our horse instead of a bouquet of flowers for us, we’ll appreciate it more than you know. If you see us have a rough ride or a sloppy show, and you accept the bad mood that follows, you’re a keeper.

If you ask us how to groom, tack, or handle a horse, we’ll be ecstatic. And when we see you put on a halter (and not call it a bridle), a lead rope, and walk our horse out to graze, it’ll be a Kodak moment for us.

We want to share our animal with you. We want to enjoy barn days with you. Most of all we don’t want someone to take away time from our biggest pleasure.

To love a horse girl means to love our horses too.

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