Team USA Eventers Meet Mainstream Media, Unintentional Hilarity Ensues

Over the past couple weeks the FEI has been cultivating quite the build-up for a live Facebook event to “formally introduce the U.S. Olympic Eventing Team.” To whom were we introducing them — the media? The general public? The details seemed a bit hazy but we figured we probably ought to watch.

The mystery event took place today at a stable in New York City’s Bronx borough, which while perhaps not a major horsey hub is at least accessible to the country’s largest per-capita journalism population. It featured all four members of the squad plus chef d’équipe David O’Connor and was attended by a small number of non-horsey journalists trying to wrap their heads around this thing we call “eventing.”

Screenshot via the FEI Facebook page.

Screenshot via the FEI Facebook page.

Embedding is disabled for the video replay but you can check it out on the FEI Facebook page here.

Things started off innocuously enough, with David making an opening statement and the riders introducing themselves and their horses. Then they started fielding questions from the media present as well as questions submitted via Facebook.

“How long does it take to train a horse?” the press asked intrepidly. “Do they have roads and tracks in the Olympics or is that gone?”

The riders soldiered on like the great ambassadors for our sport that they are, never skipping a beat.

If you could be a spectator of a different Olympic sport, what would it be?

Lauren, without a second’s hesitation: “men’s water polo.”

If you could go on a trail ride with any three people, living or dead, who would it be?

Boyd, bless him: “Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton and Kramer from Seinfield.”

Finally, 41 minutes and 54 bizarre seconds later, it was over. Time to move on to the eventing demos!

First, we were treated to this “exclusive demo of eventing dressage.” Pretty sure that is NOT an event horse, but if it is, maybe it’s not too late to stick it on the team?

Following our Q&A, we saw an exclusive demo of eventing #Dressage. #TwoHearts

Posted by Fédération Equestre Internationale on Monday, June 27, 2016

 

And then it was on to some jumping:

Thanks for joining live! Take a look at our Jumping demonstration now.

Posted by Fédération Equestre Internationale on Monday, June 27, 2016

The best, however, was yet to come. Later in the day TIME magazine posted a video of the event, demonstrations and interviews with the squad, narrated by a very intrepid, extremely awkward journalist named Sean.

"Are you afraid? How do you get over the seeming dangers of this sport?" Screenshot via the TIME Facebook page.

“Are you afraid? How do you get over the seeming dangers of this sport?” says the helmet wearing journalist. “These horses are trained, right? They’re used to having humans on their back?” Screenshot via the TIME Facebook page.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 7.20.27 PM

“This may be a stupid question but do the horses get medals, too?” Screenshot via TIME Magazine.

The video, which can be viewed on the TIME Facebook page here, also clocks in at a lengthy 50+ minutes but, man, if there was a Pulitzer Prize for unintentionally hilarious sports journalism it would a shoo-in. If you’re short on time, we recommend skipping to the final 10 minutes in which Boyd gives the journalist a “riding lesson,” even popping him over a cross country jump or two by the end.

"Just hold on, mate. Just stay there, you'll be alright!" Screenshot via the TIME Facebook page.

“Just hold on, mate. Just stay there, you’ll be alright!” Screenshot via the TIME Facebook page.

Screenshot via TIME's Facebook page.

“The man’s a natural!” Screenshot via the TIME Facebook page.

The grand finale is when Boyd, who can’t stop laughing by this point, jokes to the reporter that he’s going to freeze his semen before Rio as a precaution against the Zika virus… and the reporter actually believes him.

Drop what you’re doing, go watch, and Go Eventing!