By Leslie Wylie
Eventing can be a confusing sport. If I had a penny for every time I’ve been confounded by a question like “Who looks good in white breeches, anyway?,” “Will anyone notice if I sub in a different horse for dressage?” or “Why is the TD screaming at me again?,” I could afford to just buy myself a stupid Rolex and call it a day.
Fortunately, however, I have learned from my many, many mistakes. You might even say I’ve grown wise over the years, especially if you don’t know me that well. And now I’m passing the fruit of my failures on to you vis-Ã -vis EN’s new advice column, Ask Leslie.
The game goes like this: Email your most pressing, important questions about our sport to [email protected], and I’ll try my best to publish a response. Here’s an example:
Dear Leslie,
You’re cute and you’d be an OK rider if you took a dressage lesson every now and again. Wanna go out sometime? I have an Australian accent.
Xoxo,
Your Secret Boy-d-friend
P.s. Don’t worry about that little stalking incident when you were stabled behind me at Virginia Horse Trials–water under the bridge, babe.
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Dear Boy-d-friend,
That’s really sweet of you. It’s too bad you already have a wife who looks like a supermodel and can actually ride her way out of a paper bag. Also, I heard she gets a little a little psycho about these sorts of things, so I better take a pass.
Sobbing into my keyboard,
Leslie
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Or this:
Dear Leslie,
Can I get your barn address and your horse’s stall number? Only because I’d like to send you a nice apple-and-carrot gift basket, not because I’m going to sneak into your barn at night and lop off your horse’s tail because my husband was hitting on you. I would never do anything like that.
Sincerely,
Silva Scissorhands
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Dear Silva Scissorhands,
Um… sure. My horse is stabled at, you know, that event barn in, uh, Ocala. He’s the brown one, you can’t miss him.
Thanks?
Leslie
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Or this:
Dear Leslie,
Get this: I walk out into my barn this morning and my WEG ride Reggie’s tail is gone. Gone!!! He looks like a four-star Hackney Pony. It’s never going to grow back in time for London… What should I do?
Help,
Really Bucking Angry
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Dear Bucking Angry,
Wow, that’s terrible. I don’t know who would do such a thing.
Gotta run,
Leslie
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Anyway, you get the idea. It’s just like Dear Abby, if Abby was an event rider with questionable judgment and way too much time on her hands. And while I can’t guarantee that my answers will be factually correct or even remotely credible, it’s at least a step up from, like, a Magic 8-ball or something. Go Eventing.
