The Year I Finally Stopped Waiting

To new beginnings. Photo by Maggie Deatrick To new beginnings. Photo by Maggie Deatrick

For my entire life, I have felt like I was waiting. Waiting to be older, waiting to go to high school, to college. Waiting to graduate, to have a job, and have an income. Above all, waiting to be happy with where I was and not constantly just … waiting.

There’s something about the culture of America that seems to create this urgency. The “hurry, hurry” mantra of the worker bee, to get ahead, to have it all, is etched subtly into our hearts throughout childhood. This mantra motivates and creates ambition, but by the same token, it makes it difficult to be satisfied when we don’t already have it all.

I think every horse person can relate to the feeling of waiting. One year you have a really good year, and it feels like everything is falling into place. The following year, your horse gets injured, or you just can’t replicate the results, and you tell yourself that next year will be your year.

And then it’s not. Before you know it, a few more years have passed and you feel like all you do is wait.

But this year … this year. This year began with waiting, as always. For four months I waited, like a runner holding his breath before the start gun. On a day in late March, my whole life would change, and I’m not sure whether knowing the exact date was a relief or agony. Learning which city I would move to was like waiting for Christmas when I was 7, the agony of not knowing becoming almost physical as the anticipation built.

From there, it was an absolute whirlwind of change. Over the next two months, I would move to a new city, find a new barn, move in with my long distance boyfriend, get a new job, and get engaged. (Win a blogger’s contest and start writing for EN!) By July, my life had completely transformed, and for the most part I finally had everything I wanted. I was finally working as an engineer, engaged to a man who makes me laugh every day, and once again boarding at a barn with consistent, high quality training in an area that let me balance my career and my horse life.

The final cherry on top this year was finally getting my qualifying score at the CCI2* level at Fair Hill. The two-star had been a wall that I felt like I’d been trying to get over forever and only succeeding in throwing myself into over and over again. Cross country was never the issue, so I patiently kept trying to fix each problem, only to have others pop up. Having that final qualifying score at the end of this year was a huge weight off my chest, and I’m excited to focus back on the blue flags next year.

After accomplishing so many things this year, many of which I have been waiting years for, I am, for the first time in my life, content to simply be. 2014 may have been a huge transition year, but every one of those changes lifted a weight off my shoulders. I’m excited to see what 2015 will hold … but I can wait.

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