Silva Martin, who is a Grand Prix dressage rider, supermodel, and Boyd’s wife, was sworn in as an American citizen Wednesday in Philadelphia. Because us Americans do things a little differently, I have decided to provide Silva with a quick guide to being an American:
—Find the nearest McDonald’s and eat as much as possible. Sure, some of their sizes are larger than the human stomach, but bigger is better in America. Repeat several times per day. If you intend on being a sophisticated American, find a Starbucks and do much the same thing.
—Never sing the national anthem. Instead, when you hear music right before sporting events, you should stand up, keep your hat on, act bored, and stare into the distance until the music stops and you can resume the seated position. Standing through a song stinks–standing and being patriotic is downright loathsome.
—Get a big TV. Buy a giant one from Best Buy and spend lots of time sitting in front of it watching other people doing exciting things. Also be sure to get a DVR, which lets you watch people doing exciting things on TV from yesterday while recording TV from today to watch tomorrow.
—Lastly, always text and drive. Texting and driving is more dangerous than drinking and driving, meaning that you want to take care if you text, drink, and drive all at once, especially if you are busy eating McDonald’s. Road rage is also an important part of being an American, so, while you are juggling the cell phone and food, be sure to keep one hand free to flip off other drivers.
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All joking aside, welcome to American citizenship Silva! We have our faults and quirks as a country, but you’ll get used to them. America is the best country on Earth and we’re proud to welcome all of our new citizens. Go red, white, and blue.
