Xena Warrior Princess not included
Buying horses seems extraordinarily romantic all of the time….except when you’re buying a horse. As riders, we constantly fantasize about having the opportunity (read: bigger wallet) to go horse shopping and find the next Winsome Andante in that barn down the road. But then, when you actually find yourself in the state of existence that is “my-life-is-searching-for-a-horse”, you realize it’s just about the worst. Yes, it can be exciting, thrilling and include lots of exotic travel locations (horses live here??), but it can also be heartbreaking, depressing, and can drag on for months beyond it’s anticipated resolution.
So, to help you streamline your next horse shopping extravaganza, we here at EN have compiled a very serious guide to purchasing your next Rolex mount. Reading this article will hopefully assist you in your quest, and help you cull the three-legged donkeys from the search before you arrive at the field where you have to catch it yourself to try it. Start taking notes, ladies and gents.
THE GUIDE
NICELY STARTED: Lunges, but we don’t have enough insurance to ride him yet
HOME BRED: Knows nothing, scared of absolutely everything, doesn’t travel outside of his own paddock
BOLD: Runaway
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: Runaway
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER: Dead Runaway
DEAD QUIET: Mostly just dead
SPIRITED: Completely mental
READY TO MOVE UP A LEVEL: Only if you’ve got balls of steel and a really good air-vest
RECENTLY VETTED: Someone else found something badly wrong with this horse
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME: Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
BIG BONED: Good thing it has a mane and tail or would be mistaken for cow
DOING COURSES: When tranquilized to the eyeballs and lunged six hours straight before
WELL MANNERED: Had the life Parelli’d out of it
STARTED O/F: Started overfeeding because we can’t ride him
SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS. Currently 13hh, dam is 14.2hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15hh, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: Not really for sale unless you can pay twice what he is worth, allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, and are willing to sign a 10 page legal document.
NO VICES: Especially when he wears his muzzle
LIGHT CRIBBER: We can’t afford to build any more stable and fences for this chainsaw (send it to Boyd, he loves cribbers!)
NO TIME FOR HIM: He’s lucky to be fed
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: Hasn’t bitten or kicked anybody in a solid week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: Hasn’t stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
GOOD TO CLIP, SHOE, LOAD: Clippety clippety is the sound his hooves make when he drags you down the road as you try to load him
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME: Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in hospital
WELL BRED: Mother and father are also brother and sister
BLACK: Brown and/or dirty
SUIT HUNTERS: Can’t jump above Beginner Novice
SUIT DRESSAGE: No accelerator
SUIT ANYONE: Except us, we hate him
ALWAYS IN RIBBONS: The shows we went to gave complementary rossettes for all who entered
ALWAYS PLACED: The shows we went to were so small that there were no more than 3 in each class
Happy Horse Shopping!!!
