Eventing can be a confusing sport. If I had a penny for every time I’ve been confounded by a question like “Who looks good in white breeches, anyway?,” “Will anyone notice if I sub in a different horse for dressage?” or “Why is the TD screaming at me again?,” I could afford to just buy myself a stupid Rolex and call it a day.
Fortunately, however, I have learned from my many, many mistakes. You might even say I’ve grown wise over the years, especially if you don’t know me that well. And now I’m passing the fruit of my failures on to you vis-Ã -vis EN’s new advice column, Ask Leslie.
The game goes like this: Email your most pressing, important questions about our sport to [email protected], and I’ll try my best to publish a response.
11-21-11
Dear Leslie,
I recently acquired a thoroughbred ex-racehorse through the CANTER program that I’m hoping will grow up to be my next eventer. The name he came with is terrible. Do you have any ideas for re-naming him?
Thanks,
At A Loss For Words
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Dear At A Loss,
Congratulations on your new horse. CANTER is an awesome program and ex-racers rule.
You are absolutely correct in choosing to rename your horse. If, like the majority of thoroughbreds, he was fail sauce on the track, that’s baggage he doesn’t need to be carrying with him into his new career as an award-winning event horse. New name, new start.
The fun of naming a horse is, the possibilities are endless. While it’s ultimately up to you to choose a name that suits your horse and his personality, I can at least help provide you with a few pointers to keep in mind:
DO take a lead from the latest naming trends. The surname “Fernhill,” for example, is really big right now: Fernhill This, Fernhill That, Fernhill Nobody Cares. Just because your horse isn’t a super-fancy, expensive Irish import doesn’t mean you can’t lead everyone to believe that he is. “Fernhill” + “Random Word of Your Choice” = serious snoot appeal. Plus, it has the side benefit of royally irritating everyone who actually spent buckets of cash on a real Fernhill horse–hilarious!
DON’T give him some wussy, Barbie Dream Horse name. You’re not Dakota Fanning, and your horse isn’t the star of a heartwarming Disney movie. Give him a name he’s not going to get beat up in the field for. Monster trucks offer a good, often-overlooked source of names for event horses. Think: Grave Digger, Captain Crusher, Rammunition or Nitro Circus.
DO make ’em laugh. We eventers take ourselves SO seriously, it’s always refreshing to hear over the PA that someone is riding “Buck Naked” or “George Clooney,” to cite two of my favorite examples. “Yo Mama” is another good one–I made that one up myself.
DON’T be afraid to ask for help. There are a number of random name generators available online that can help broaden your horse-naming horizons. Let’s consider the horse currently leading the SmarkPak Horse of the Year leaderboard: Can’t Fire Me. This is a pretty typical dumb horse name. If Becky had only thought to plug that same name into a name generator, she could be riding Seal-breath Graybeard (pirate name), Avalon Ghostfire (fantasy name), Ho-slapp tha Balla (gangsta name), The White Blur (superhero name) or–here’s a good one for your new OTTB–El Dragon Picante (Mexican wrestling name… it translates to “The Spicy Dragon.”)
Well, that’s all the terrible advice I am legally allowed to dispense this week. Hope it helps, and good luck!
Leslie
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Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].
