Dear Leslie,
Based on your new column, you seem to be a very wise, level-headed individual who can take the higher road and offer objective advice to those facing challenging situations. So… how would you deal with a local trainer (who you know casually) who loves to stir the pot and speak poorly of other local trainers who you do know well and respect? I found myself in this situation recently, and it being the holiday season, I want nothing more than Peace on the Barn Aisle and Good Will toward Trainers.
Thanks for your input,
Local Yokel Adult Rider Student
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Dear Local Yokel,
Thank you for your question. Thank you also for your flattering, if erroneous, description of me as “a very wise, level-headed individual.” That one is definitely going on the fridge.
Local Yokel, let me ask you this: Are you familiar with The Saddle Club book series? Authored by Bonnie Bryant, there are 101 books in the series, and I have read them all probably three times apiece. The books follow the adventures of three horse-crazy teenagers–Carole, Lisa and Stevie–as they learn about riding and life at Pine Hollow Stables.
The Saddle Club’s arch-rival and nemesis is Veronica diAngelo. Veronica is a millionaire’s daughter whose parents are always buying her black stallions and fancy saddles, oblivious to the fact that their kid is a real pain in the butt. Veronica is always talking smack about The Saddle Club, like “Your riding clothes are so ugly” or “I’m going to sabotage you at the championship horse show.” And then The Saddle Club has to band together to triumph over adversity, sending a message of friendship and teamwork.
It’s messed up, I know. But it’s for real. Every horse community has at least one Veronica, somebody who likes to, as you put it, “stir the pot” and gossip about other people. I know it can be frustrating to be around all that negative jibber-jabber. Can’t we all just get along?
When I find myself in a situation like that, I think: What Would The Saddle Club Do? First, I think they’d look past that smack-talking façade and realize that it’s probably coming from a place of insecurity rather than sheer meanness. It only takes Carole, Lisa and Stevie 101 books to figure out that despite appearances, Veronica’s actually got it pretty rough. Her loaded, socialite parents never have time for her. They’re always buying her expensive stuff to make up for the fact that they’re constantly letting her down. So Veronica learns to keep other people at arm’s length. Her stuck-up attitude is really a cover for the fact that she’s lonely and insecure. She’s mean to The Saddle Club, but secretly she’s jealous of their awesome friendship.
I also think The Saddle Club would stand their ground. They wouldn’t sit back and nod and smile; they’d pull the bus chain and be like, “Hey, I want off this conversation, it’s making me uncomfortable.” Don’t enable the trainer’s negativity by giving it your time and attention. Instead, politely steer the conversation back in a positive direction. Ask, “What has been your biggest accomplishment this season?” or “Which horse are you most excited about right now and why?”
It’s hard to take the high road, and we’ve got to remember to police our own thoughts, words and actions as well. Whenever I catch myself fantasizing about mixing up a batch of poo slush (recipe: 1 part manure to 3 parts water, mixed well) and dumping it on someone I don’t like, I just have to stop and ask myself: “Do I want to be like Veronica or do I want to be like Carole?” And that, Local Yokel, is one question that everyone has to answer for themselves.
Anyway, I hope that helps.
Good luck!
Leslie
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