So many crappy horse movies, so little time.
Dear Leslie,
I can’t decide whether to go see War Horse. I heard that it’s really sad and I hate crying in public. What do you think?
Thanks,
On the Fence
—
Dear On the Fence,
I actually haven’t seen War Horse. That I’m going to attempt to answer your question anyway should tip you off that this may be my worst column yet, so apologies in advance.
Like you, I prefer to dissolve into a blubbering snot-faucet in the privacy of my own home. War Horse is supposed to be an epic Spielberg weep-fest, so yeah: Maybe you and I should hold out for the DVD. Even the trailer made me cry–a horse with that nice a canter should never be sent off to war, what a waste. Kind of like taking a horse that won the USHJA Hunter Derby Finals and buying it for your daughter to ride in the junior hunters.
VIDEO BREAK: Destry Spielberg competing Rumba at Thermal last year.
What was I saying? Oh yeah–how come all good horse movies require a box of tissues? I guess because lighthearted horse movies, like Mr. Ed, which is currently under production, have a tendency to be lame. There’s still hope, I suppose. They could get Zach Galifianakis to be the voice of Mr. Ed.
Personally, my favorite horse movies are the ones that are so terrible they’re amazing–not unlike the mission statement of this column. Such films include The Long Shot, in which what’s-her-face from Dexter stars as a down-on-her-luck dressage rider who must overcome adversity to win the $20,000 grand prize at a prestigious local dressage show. I know, right? The Dark Horse is another one in which an estranged daughter “must tame her mother’s dangerous Friesian horse and ride him to victory in the year’s biggest dressage competition.”
It’s puzzling that there are multiple movies devoted to the adult-amateur dressage rider crowd and only one about eventing (Sylvester, duh). I’m pretty sure that if you took a poll, 10 out of 10 people would agree that watching horses gallop and jump is more exciting than watching them trot around in circles.
If you’re open to the coming-of-age horse movie genre, the possibilities are truly endless. Dark Horse, Moondance Alexander, Flicka, Flicka 2 and Dreamer, just to name a few, are all enchantingly melodramatic and fraught with deep meaning.
VIDEO BREAK: If this movie about the My Little Pony apocalypse was for real, I would totally go see it.
I also recently discovered a new and wildly entertaining subculture run by pre-teens with model horses and video cameras. Homemade Breyer horse movies are, like, kind of big deal–and many of them are actually impressive. I’m not too proud to admit that it’s 1:54 a.m. as I’m writing this, and I could be in bed by now had I not spent almost two hours watching Breyer horse movies on YouTube.
VIDEO BREAK: I couldn’t decide which one to show you–The Dark Knight rendered in model horses was a close second–but this trailer was just too enigmatic to resist.
My point is, if you think War Horse is going to bum you out, don’t sweat it. There are so many viable horse movie alternatives at your fingertips, there’s no shame in saving yourself $10 and some embarassment by sitting this Golden Globe-nominated film out and watching something crappy instead. That’s my plan, at least.
Good luck!
Leslie
—
Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].
