I’m writing to let you know I’ve been a very good boy this year. You see, I’m a dressage horse, and I’ve been doing some reading so that I can be the very best dressage horse in the entire world. I keep coming across this thing called the training pyramid so I figure it must be important for optimum dressage-ing. Upon careful examination, I have determined that I’m fulfilling all of the requirements listed in the training pyramid, and Santa, because you might not be familiar this with whole dressage thing, let me explain.
The dressage training pyramid all starts with rhythm. I was born with natural rhythm, and I demonstrate my ability to tap out sick beats every single day while mom is grooming me on the cross-ties. I can tell she likes it, because she generally tries to freestyle rap along with me. It generally goes something like “Quiet feet.” “Knock it off!” “I said quit!” She’s not very good at it, but I figure if I continue to provide the rhythm, she can practice on the daily.
After rhythm comes relaxation, and let me tell you, I’m soooooo chill. Mom can be squeezing and bumping me with her legs like crazy and it doesn’t bother me in the least. I’ll just stand there because I’m relaxed as heck.
The next level is connection. I connect very strongly with other horses, sometimes after as little as a ten-minute ride on the trailer with them. I’m sure to call out to them frequently if they’re out of sight regardless of what I might happen to be doing. I’ve actually found that I’m able to keep in contact with my friend AND perform an entire dressage test at the same time. Now that’s multi-tasking!
Next comes impulsion. To demonstrate my impulsive nature I strive to ALWAYS act before thinking. Whether this means spinning and bolting at anything that may strike me as “unsafe,” or diving headfirst into the orchard grass bales every time I walk past, I’m 100% committed to the concept of impulsion.
After impulsion comes straightness. Being a very efficient horse, I know that a straight line is the quickest route to any destination, and sometimes there are obstacles — you know, miscellaneous objects and sometimes people — impeding those straight approaches. So whether my destination be grain, fresh green grass, or one of my many friends, I will run over anything in path to remain straight.
At the very top of the pyramid is collection. I assume this refers all of the cookies I collect for being such a good boy. At this point, you might be thinking to yourself, “how can this horse possess so many incredible talents?!” But let me assure you, I am also excellent at this.
Because I have been SO good this year, I would like to ask for several wearable chew toys (I think mom calls them blankets), several hundred pounds of organic, fair trade horse treats, and some freestyle rap lessons for my mom, because seriously, she’s terrible.
The Very Best Dressage Horse