Sophie Tallman and Parc Cooley at American Eventing Championships in 2019. Photo by Shannon Brinkman Photography.
Riding has brought me some of my highest highs and lowest lows; it has also helped me through them. I had big aspirations for my riding career when I arrived at the University of Georgia in 2017 and joined the eventing team. I was eager to get to the prelim/2* level and gradually bump up throughout my time at school. Now, in my second to last semester, I have yet to make it there due to some small blips and one very large bump. I want to talk about the large one.
In the spring of 2018, I found myself in a relationship with someone at school. We would go on to date until the end of 2019. It started out as any relationship does in the honeymoon phase. Upon returning to school after summer break, things became very different.
If you know me, this story may come as a surprise. It is something I don’t often disclose, and never talk about in full. I never thought that I would be a person to stay in an abusive relationship. I thought that I couldn’t because I’m strong; riding takes blood, sweat, and tears, and it shapes you into someone brave, someone confident.
I learned firsthand that it has nothing to do with how strong you are. I’ve heard it all; “you didn’t have to listen”, “you should have just left”, “you could have done what you wanted to do”. If you have also been in an abusive or manipulative relationship, you know that this is simply not the case. It’s not that easy. If you haven’t, I hope you never do – but I see how it can be difficult to fully understand why and how it happens.
Sophie Tallman and Parc Cooley at Pine Top. Photo by Carter McInnis.
Slowly, there were certain “rules” put into place. I “wasn’t allowed” to go to certain competitions that would be overnight, I “couldn’t spend” more than two hours at the barn, going to any type of “barn family” event such as a dinner or Christmas party always led to a fight. Suddenly, one of my greatest passions was being taken away from me.
My moments at the barn were rushed and I made excuses to avoid shows that I wanted to go to. I never told anyone the full story because I was embarrassed, I was confused, and I was hurting. The consequences for breaking the rules started out with just words; saying the world would be better without me, calling me every swear in the book, threatening his own life. It did not take long for it to escalate physically. I was withdrawn from the barn and from my friends. No one truly knew what was going on in my life. On the outside, I made sure to keep a smile and appear okay, but I felt isolated and alone.
In the summer of 2019, I wanted to go to the AEC’s. I qualified and, since I’m not sure what will happen with my riding for at least a few years after I graduate, I decided I should go – it has always been my dream and I thought it might be my last chance. I did not relay these plans to my boyfriend until a couple hours before I was leaving because I knew he would find a way to stop me.
The whole week was amazing, but there were a lot of “behind the scenes” moments that I kept in the dark. He called me an hour before my cross country warmup and told me he “hoped it went horribly” – that he wouldn’t care if something happened to me on course. Still, I got through it, and I was over the moon after a clear show jump the next day that placed me high enough in my division to take part in the victory gallop.
Photo by Shannon Brinkman Photography.
The three months between then and when I was finally able to leave felt like years. I was extremely unhealthy due to the stress I endured every day. I lost over twenty pounds, was always tired, and felt nauseous while doing any sort of exercise. The moments I spent at the barn were some of the only moments I was able to truly cherish, even when my body felt as though it was collapsing.
Riding got me through my situation. It was the only thing that kept me going. I feel like I lost a lot of time because of my relationship, but I can still make up for it now. I owe a lot to my horse and to my barn family who, despite my increased absence over that period of time with no explanation, eagerly accepted me back with open arms. I love all of you so much and I hope that everyone who knows what this is like is offered the same level of support that I have received.
If you are going through this now, please know that you are not alone – and that your horse will be waiting happily for you when you’re back.
Sophie Tallman is a 21 year old student at the University of Georgia. She competes with her horse Parc Cooley for the UGA Eventing Team. Sophie serves as president of the team and is hoping to be able to ride throughout law school and eventually, fund a lifestyle where she is able to own horses and compete. We thank her for sharing her story and voice our solidarity with her and every other survivor of abusive relationships.
