Weenie Eventers: Unite Against Proposed Rule Changes. Or send me Xanax. Whichever.

This is me and my Ollie on our first Beginner Novice course ever, and typical for us: me with a terrified look, and Ollie knocking down a rail on an oxer that is NOT 2'10 This is me and my Ollie on our first Beginner Novice course ever, and typical for us: me with a terrified look, and Ollie knocking down a rail on an oxer that is NOT 2'10" with a 3'5" spread.

So by now, pretty much everyone has heard about the proposed rule changes, yes?

THIS IS A TRAGEDY FOR WEENIE EVENTERS. We weenie eventers are a small but vocal subset of the eventing world. And by vocal, I mean you can hear us from the other side of the cross country course, because we are either terrified or surprised by our success (we gotta celebrate our non-weenie moments, yo).

So they want to increase the speed on Beginner Novice (and Novice and Training) cross country courses, throw in some higher-level obstacles on cross country, and allow for horse-eating and pants-crapping jumps in stadium. And by that I mean one to two larger ones with spreads bigger than a Costco case of Country Crock. I am not down with that.

Now, granted, in some schooling shows, I’ve encountered a few of the types of jumps they are proposing. I can probably handle those. But anything that involves me having to add power steering fluid and amphetamines to my luggy Percheron cross’s diet is not kosher for me. I mean, hell — I’ve barely begun to canter the entire cross country course as it is, and now you want me to speed up I’ve never made optimum time even once. You may as well put a big kick me pass me sign on my back instead of a pinny.

I know there are more weenie eventers like me out there, who already feel the vomit rising into their throats at the current Beginner Novice Level. I feel ya, ladies and gents. Let me give everyone a little tip: If these proposed rules are enacted, go and buy mass quantities of Pfizer stock, as Xanax prescriptions are going to go through the roof.

Why are y’all trying to do this? Make the lower levels more difficult to make everyone safer down the line? Make us look better internationally? Help rid the U.S. of a Depends surplus? Whatever the reason, it’s weenie discrimination, plain and simple. So y’all get vocal and join me in protesting these proposed rule changes. As soon as I get done screaming on my cross country course.

Updated: Email [email protected] with the subject line “Rule Change Proposal” to express your concerns!

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