Who Booty Is It? An Analysis of Luhmühlen’s Finest CCI4* Butts

Four-star event horses boast some of the best bums in the equine world, sculpted into perfection by a fitness routine that would make Sir Mix-a-Lot proud. And no two butts are the same — of the 38 CCI4* horses accepted at the Wednesday jog here at Luhmühlen, each is propelled by its own one-of-a-kind booteus maximus.

What are the hallmarks of a champion posterior? First and foremost, it’s got to be packed like a can of biscuits — rock-hard, busting at the seams, and ready to explode at any moment. Preferably into a “10” extended trot or dramatic leap over a massive jump, but the most talented badonkadonks in the world occasionally have a mind of their own.

Exhibit A: Michael Jung and fischerRocana FST (GER). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

This butt cannot be denied. Photo by Leslie Wylie.

Size is another consideration. Eventers like big butts and we cannot lie. There’s no shortcut to an oversized apple-bottom bubble-butt but hillwork, hillwork, hillwork.

Sometimes it’s OK to show a little crack. Julien Despontin and Waldano 36 (BEL). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

A perfectly round, symmetrical butt is a rare work of art, indicative of meticulously even-sided dressage schooling.

I just want to squeeze it. Fraser King and Nadal (NED). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

A good groom can take an already gifted set of buns to the next level. Quarter marks, for example, are the booty shorts of the horse world, drawing attention to a toned derrière.

Andreas Dibowski and the appropriately named FRH Butts Avedon. Photo by Leslie Wylie.

Unlike human bums, a blindingly white equine bum can be super sexy.

It’s like looking at the moon. Andrew Hoy and Algebra (AUS). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

Look at those cheeky dapples peeking through.

Such a tease. Clark Montgomery and Loughan Glen (USA). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

And, last but not least, poise is everything. Always keep it classy…

Bayro and Tim Lips (NED). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

…not trashy.

Kirsty Johnson and Opposition Detective (GBR). Photo by Leslie Wylie.

CCI4* Photo Gallery:

CIC3* dressage begins on Thursday at 10:30 a.m. CEST with CCI4* dressage to follow from 1:30 to 3:48 p.m. CEST. EST is six hours behind so that’s 4:30 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. start times for many of y’all back in the States. Both representatives of the North American contingent, Clark Montgomery with Loughan Glen and Rebecca Howard with Riddle Master, compete on Friday.

We’re here for the duration and will be bringing you all the latest butt photos and other important breaking news as it arises. Keep it locked here, Eventing Nation!

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