EN head honcho Jenni and I often find ourselves in deep WhatsApp chats about the training tactics and secret strategies of the world’s top eventers. What is it that makes them tick, we ask — what do they do that we mere mortals can harness and use to our own benefit?
The other day, we had a revelation. We were sure we’d found the thing that Michi Jung has used so successfully for so many years — his secret weapon, the item in his toolbox that makes him well nigh unbeatable. The best thing? It’s free, and it’s easy. Go ahead and pop your stirrups back on your saddle and put those gridwork charts away, because we’re about to shortcut you to eventing superstardom, no hard work required. You can thank us from the top of the podium.
Tactical, scheduled crying has three main benefits: it purges you of inconvenient and distracting emotions, which are only useful on the aforementioned podiums or for a good celebratory post-XC snog. It also makes you more aerodynamic, because everyone knows sadness weighs more than indifference (this is also a great tip if you’re trying to shed some pounds ahead of the Christmas party season. Cry it out, baby). Finally, it dries out your tear-ducts, allowing you to go faster without having to squint through watering eyes. In short, it makes you an absolute machine, all for the price of a rewatch of Atonement.
This time of year is perfect for introducing tactical crying into your training regime. Here in the UK, we have a time-honoured festive tradition, which begins around mid-November each year: basically, businesses compete to make us all as miserable as possible with their festive adverts. The charge is led by department store John Lewis, and when that ad premieres, people are SOBBING. On-the-floor, in-the-fetal-position, covered-in-their-own-snot sobbing. If they’re not, they take to the internet to complain, because #Britain. It’s just not the holiday season unless you’re having a REALLY BAD TIME.
Perhaps I’m a bit late to the party here, but it seems that a few savvy marketing guru types in the States have picked up on the idea of an emotional holiday purge. Behold, this first-class weeper:
Wow! Feeling warmed up? Got those tear ducts ready for action? Great, because for my next trick, I’m going to make you cry with a bank advert. ISAs and sadness.
Ever loved a big chestnut (or a pretty blonde, I guess)? This one will get you:
If you thought for even a second you’d get through this without an appearance from those famous juggernauts of emotional turmoil, the Budweiser Clydesdales, then you clearly don’t appreciate the deceptively deep puddle of misery from which this post is being written. Prepare yourselves.
UGH. I can’t take any more. Go forth and ride superbly, unhindered by the weight of your pesky emotions. It’s what Michi would want.