Every year, I grow more and more convinced that EN only buses me out to five-stars for one reason: to lose friends and do whatever the opposite of influencing people is. But boy, oh boy, do the riders keep giving me plenty to work with. Every time I write one of these things I also live in abject fear and horror of the day that some probably-well-meaning but also faintly deranged person tries to fight me in the comments, so as always, a disclaimer: everyone at the Defender Kentucky Three-Day looks fabulous. I bully you because I love you. I also often miss at 90cm fences so if you want to make fun of me right back, I promise I’ll make it easy for you.
And with those i’s dotted, and those t’s crossed, let’s get down to the serious business of being recreationally mean on the internet. It’s time to hand out some Golden Chinches, folks.
The Golden Chinch for Just Being Ken
Will Faudree and Mama’s Magic Way. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
Look, let’s get the elephant – or the rhinestone cowboy – in the room out of the way nice and early, shall we? Will Faudree, who presented Mama’s Magic Way, has already won the 2024 Defender Kentucky Three-Day Event, no matter what happens from here on out. I’m certainly not the first to draw a Barbie comparison here, nor will I be the last, and I certainly can’t top the trot-up announcer remarking that Will had just stepped out of the cover of Beyonce’s newest album, so I won’t even try. Suffice it say that if Faudree’s job is just beach (or, um, trot-strip sand dune), then he’s, like, really good at it. Anywhere else he’d be a ten; here, today, he is a twelve.
The Golden Chinch Award for Requiring Your President to be Locked Up
Sara Kozumplik and Rock Phantom. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
It works better as a visual, I’ll admit, if you picture JFK rather than any of our more immediate recent presidents, but in any case, Sara Kozumplik’s shimmy-worthy white wiggle dress is giving Marilyn Monroe huskily breathing out a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’, much to the chagrin of wives everywhere. I honestly have no idea how she ran in this little number, but by god, did she make a good show of it. It’s a look that says ‘when you’ve got a trot up at 2, a PTA meeting in which you’ll need to get your flirt on with your son’s geometry teacher because he’s failing the class and only a bit of extra charm can save the day at 5, and an upmarket competitors’ party which will swiftly descend into chaos and table-dancing at 8′. In short, she looks smoking hot, AND she doesn’t have horse bogeys on her, somehow, so really, gold stars all ’round. Also well done to Rock Phantom for not treading on her toes in those admittedly wildly impractical flats.
The Golden Chinch for Getting the Milkin’ Done in Time for the Show
Phillip Dutton and Quasi Cool. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
Well done, Phillip! You got all 600 of those heifers drained right on time to present your horse. We love a man of many talents, we love a practical jacket, and we really love it when, after a moment of deep concern, we spot the THIS logo on the red cap and can breathe a sigh of relief that today is not the day that the Facebook comments go ham.
The Golden Chinch For ALSO Frightening Us All with a Hat
Buck Davidson and Sorocaima. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
Two red hats, two very different vibes. Would you like to buy a nice little hatchback, only 20,000 miles on the clock and definitely, 100%, absolutely working in a totally functional and reliable and legal way?
The Golden Chinch for Legacy Admissions
Boyd Martin and On Cue. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
Earlier this week, before I got to the Horse Park, I spent a day exploring Lexington, by which I mean I kept somehow choosing Starbucks franchises on Google Maps that didn’t have a drive-thru or any parking because they were actually tucked away inside the University of Kentucky campus. I ended up so lost within the guts of the place that I’m not convinced that I didn’t accidentally matriculate at some point and now, probably, I am about to be financially eviscerated by student loan debt that spirals out of control faster than my mental health on day four of a three-day. Ha ha, just kidding, I’m fine! We’re all fine! Anyway, while being held hostage by UK (go Wildcats! So High School Musical of them! We’re all in this together, babayyyy!) I saw a lot of examples of two specific kinds of people: Stanley Cup girls (“why are they all carrying around sippy cups?” asked my beleaguered other half, with a touch of dismay) and frat boys. And it would appear, perhaps, that one of them might have been Boyd Martin, who looks for all the world like he’s about to sidle up to me at a bar, tell me about his crypto accounts, neg me a bit, and then ask for my Snapchat. Ultimately, though, it’ll all end in tears, because I know, with all the confidence in the world, that I would thrash him at beer pong and he wouldn’t like it, not one bit.
The Golden Chinch for Copyrighting a Colour
Sharon White and Claus 63. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
In 2016, artist Anish Kapoor somehow managed to acquire exclusive rights to use Vantablack, a revolutionary paint so black that it traps, rather than reflects light, which is actually quite cool and also a really weird and unnerving effect. Anyway, those exclusive rights meant that no other artist could use the paint, which pissed a few people off in the art world – which is something I really love, because it proves that no matter how niche of a world you live in, someone will be annoyed about something really petty within it. The story gets even better, too: not long after, another artist, Stuart Semple, decided to create the world’s pinkest pink, and made it available for any artist to use, except… Anish Kapoor. Take THAT, art nerd!
Anyway, all this to say that I truly hope Sharon White considers filing for exclusive use of her signature shade of orange, which she’s truly made totally emblematic of her brand over the years. Every time I see her, I think of Josie and the Pussycats. “It’s new, it’s orange!” And really, all I ever want to be doing is thinking about Josie and the Pussycats, the most underrated film of the early 2000s.
The Golden Chinch Award for Teaching Me Maths and Making Me Like It, Maybe
Bec Braitling and Caravaggio. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
If Sara Kozumplik (see above, by a few slots) is on her way to a PTA meeting to flirt shamelessly with a geometry teacher, Bec Braitling might well be that geometry teacher, because the combination of sharp tailoring and muted plaids feels, on paper at least, like quite an academic sort of aesthetic. But if that’s the case, then she’s the really cool substitute teacher that appears twice a year and thrills all her students by dropping savage one-liners about the other teachers and occasionally doing a little swear while teaching. Also, actually, there’s no way someone who’s really into math would wear such a fun shirt, so I’m going to say she’s a cool substitute English teacher, and one who’ll give you a bonus point on your essay because you closed it out by saying “In conclusion, Holden Caulfield is actually a bit of a dick.” Maybe this is just wish fulfilment for what I wish my own English teachers had been like. Maybe I desperately seek the validation I didn’t get when I was sixteen, even now I’m thirty-two. Maybe I ought to take this up with my therapist.
The Golden Chinch Award for Getting the Comments Section Going
Calvin Böckmann and The Phantom of the Opera. Photo by Tilly Berendt.
All I’ve seen on various social media platforms and eventing message boards today is Calvin Böckmann objectification. So here you go, you thirsty, thirsty readers. Wait ’til you see how he salutes the ground jury in his dressage test.
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