These days, none of us are immune to the TikTok and YouTube recommendations for endless videos of curiously unblinking women who whisper into microphones and scratch away at their cameras, which I think is meant to make you feel like you’re getting a facial, but is probably actually the opening of a special portal directly to hell. But for all I raise an eyebrow at some of the ASMR oeuvre’s oddities, I do kind of get it. Is there anything more relaxing than watching a shoddy looking hoof get turned into a work of art by a farrier? Or that perfect first line in a clip, which cuts through inch-long fluff like a hot knife through butter, leaving a shining, rippling coat in its wake? I reckon I could watch braiding tutorials for hours, not because they make my scalp tingle (does that not feel like you’ve got lice? Please feed back and let me know), but because there’s absolutely nothing more satisfying than watching totally uniform, utterly frizzless plaits appear along a scrupulously clean neck. I’d love to take the credit for gathering all these deeply soothing notions into one video for you, but I cannot: instead, we must all thank this random person on YouTube. Random person, I appreciate you for giving us all a seven minute meditation on the finer things in life. I also appreciate that you didn’t turn your camera on and pretend to braid my forelock while whispering threateningly at me. Namaste.