Are we keeping up with the Kardashians, or are the Kardashians keeping up with us? Celebs like Lindsay Lohan, Blake Lively, Jessica Alba, Taylor Swift, Keira Knightly, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes, Rihanna and Cate Blanchett have all been spotted recently in riding-boot knock-offs. Such wanna-be’s, gah.

Dear Leslie,

I’m having trouble with the new fashion of “riding” boots. I always have, but they seem to be everywhere now. Small children, old ladies: they are also very popular at the mall–no horses there, unless you count the carousel, which does look surprising inviting in the dead of winter because I have no indoor, but that is a different story, anyway…

I find myself getting defensive when I see things labeled as riding boots with characteristics that clearly make them unsuitable for actual riding. A zipper up the inside of the leg is not what I look for in a boot because I like my saddle. A wedge heel or no heel is not good if you would prefer to not get your foot caught in the stirrup.

Can’t they call them something else?

“Riding inspired, but don’t actually get near a horse with these things”–or is that a bit wordy?

Thank you.

—

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question. Unfortunately, footwear is not really my area of expertise (frankly, shoe stores freak me out a little), so I’m gonna use a lifeline here. Holly Ratcliff is an Area III amateur event rider and the author of a blog titled, “Shoes, shoes, shoes… and horses.” Her motto is, “You can never have too many shoes, nor too many horses,” and while I would disagree with her on both counts, Holly is a super-sweet gal who always has something insightful to contribute. Here’s what Holly had to say when I tossed her your question:

I get irritated, too, when I see items of haute couture that are labeled as ‘equestrian’ style. It’s almost as if our traditional sense of dress lends an air of privilege or elite status to those who wear it, when we know that ‘equestrian’ fashion comes from utility and practicality, on the whole. There is nothing too ‘fashion-y’ about it. But, this trend in clothing always seems to come around every few years or so (I blame this on Ralph Lauren). I remember one phase, back in the good ole ’80s, when the jodhpur pants (some of them even had suede knee patches) were in style for street wear. Ugh. A pair of pants that are flared at the hips and then taper and tighten at the ankles, worn with short pointy leather boots? No thank you.

I guess one thing that we’ve seen lately has been the usage of horse tack or equipment as eccentric and extreme pieces of ‘human’ fashion. I think you mentioned recently the shipping boots on the runway model fiasco that was photographed a few weeks ago. And, I just today saw this photo circulating around Facebook.

Is that for real? Did someone really take her horse’s open front boots and pair them with her stiletto pumps? It is daring and I have to give her credit for creativity. As far as I know, even Jimmy Choo hasn’t gone to those lengths, yet.

While we’re talking about equestrian inspired high fashion, check out this picture on my blog of John Galliano from 2010.

Unbelievable! It just makes one think, doesn’t it?

I guess maybe the advice you could give your reader would be something along the lines of–yes, fashion-inspired “equestrian” wear is usually impractical and ridiculous. But, maybe the alternative would be to incorporate REAL equestrian wear into her wardrobe. Maybe instead of fashion emulating tack/riding gear, then tack/riding gear can be turned into fashion? I’ve seen bits worn as jewelry, tack bags used as purses, reins used as belts, etc.

Shipping Boots: You’re doing it wrong.

Dear Leslie,

Getting dressed for dressage always bums me out. Everyone looks alike, which is lame, and I’ve got way too much junk in my trunk to look svelte in white britches. What to do?

Sincerely,

I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Wear

—

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Wear,

We’ll get to the white breeches issue in a minute, but first let’s talk about style homogeny. Most people, glancing toward the dressage warmup at an event, might see something akin to a scene from March of the Penguins: a swirling mass of black-and-white intently focused on one unspoken collective goal, which is to not get eaten by a leopard seal (dressage judge). 

But there’s a little budge room in there for individual personalities to shine through. Fashion-conscious riders know how to stand out without, you know, standing out.

If you’re looking to take your show-ring image from milquetoast to magnificent this season, we here at EN highly recommend consulting one of our fabulous advertising partners to help outfit yourself and your horse in style. You can visit their websites directly by clicking on their links at the right side of the page. In the meantime, we’ll set you up with a few fashion tips:

DON’T purchase a white dressage saddle in an attempt to camouflage your curves. (Photo: www.teknasaddlery.com)

DO snag a pair of of Kerrits Sit Tight Supreme Breeches from SmartPak. Not only do these breeches glue your bum into the tack, the black full-seat is visually slimming.  

DON’T let your hair-do steal the show. (Photo: www.foxnews.com)  

.

DO dress up your look with this pretty Verona Crystal Show Bow from SmartPak.

DON’T paint your horse’s hooves with glitter polish if you’re over the age of 10. (Photo: www.equilink.com)

DO catch the judge’s eye with a Nunn Finer Biko Bridle, featuring a flash cavesson and padded silver clincher browband.  

DON’T make your horse wear animal print anything, ever. (Photo: www.etsy.com)

DO invest in a swanky new pad from EcoGold, like this one from their WEG Patriotic Collection. They’re no-slip and made from 100% breathable materials, with high-density foam in the seat area to trick your horse into thinking he’s being ridden by a cloud.  

DON’T… just don’t. (Photo: www.yourhorse.co.uk)

DO check out this totally chic, adorable shirt from Dubarry (ooh! ruffles!),  perhaps paired with a ShowQuest Chique Stock Tie with Crystals from SmartPak.

Well, I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Wear, hopefully that gives you some good ideas. Be sure to also follow Tack of the Day on Facebook and Twitter for great discounts on tack, apparel and more. It doesn’t take much to make a tasteful statement in the dressage ring–you don’t want anything distracting the judge’s from your horse. Unless, you know, that’s your strategy.

Good luck!

Leslie

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Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].    

…Neville Bardos.

Congratulations to Neville, Boyd and their team–none are more deserving of this prestigious honor. Neville is one of those rare athletes that has not only excelled at his sport, but also managed to capture the imagination of a nation. A big pat on the neck from all of us here at EN, and here’s hoping that irrepressible spirit of yours carries you on to great things in 2012 and beyond.       

Developing rider Alex Green and I looking smokin’ hot in safety goggles while using a laser thingee on some horse’s leg.     

I don’t know about you, but reading Samantha’s report about the simplicity of Mary King’s horse management program felt to me like a swift kick in the bum. That the leading rider in the world is able to accomplish so much with so little (not counting mad training skills and quality horseflesh) is equal parts inspiring and thought-provoking. Certainly, it made me pause and reconsider my own horse-care rituals.

Although I fully understand that there’s no substitute for tried-and-true horse management practices, which typically involve a combination of hard work and elbow grease, I’m certainly guilty of having guzzled the Kool-Aid at times. And I’m not just talking about commonplace alternative medicine practices like chiropractic work, acupuncture, massage and the like.

I’m talking about practices that exist on the fringe of the fringe. I’ve called up animal communicators, and I know how to use a pendulum to see if my horses’ chakras are properly balanced. My show trunk contains an arsenal of essential oils, and I’ve dumped stuff into my horses’ grain that sounds like it was harvested from a garden fertilized by pixie dust. I’ve braided magnets into forelocks before dressage tests and repeated Sanskrit mantras on the way to the start box. I’m a big weirdo, and I’ll be the first to admit it.

But I’m not the only one who indulges in bizarre and/or expensive horse-care rituals. I’ve seen you people with out there with your state-of-the-art infrared-electro-magnetic-whirlpool-massage gadgetry. As competitors in a sport that just keeps getting more competitive, we’re all looking for that edge that’s going to send us shooting straight to the top of the leaderboard.

So, Eventing Nation, what do you think? When it comes to horse-care, where do you draw the line between what’s necessary and what’s over-the-top? Are we making our horses feel better, or are we just making ourselves feel better?

Margaret Thomas jumping Phinn in a Buck Davidson clinic last January.

Dear Leslie,

I am recently springing into the eventing world, literally springing… off the back of my horse. My fiery little mustang has a very bad problem with separation anxiety from “his” herd. Dressage is disastrous (I’m talking head straight in the air, hollering at all of his friends), cross country is worse (bucking, bolting, rearing or just gluing his feet to the ground). By the time we get to stadium he is POOPED from working himself up during the first two phases. What can one do with such a boisterous horse with unlimited potential?!

Thanks a ton,

Frustrated

—

Dear Frustrated,

Welcome to the wild, wacky world of eventing, emphasis on “wild” for you. Eventing a mustang comes with some unique challenges, but the payoff can be huge. The breed is known for being smart, sturdy and sound–that’s music to any eventer’s ears.  

My own personal experience with mustangs is limited to falling asleep halfway through Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. So rather than giving you some terrible, made-up advice based on half an animated movie, I thought I’d put you in touch with someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.

Margaret Thomas is a Maryland-based eventer who has been the proud owner of a mustang for two years.  Must Tango (“Phinn”) first caught Margaret’s eye as a 4-year-old when he jumped out of a 5-foot-tall round pen at her dressage trainer’s barn. “He was wild as a March Hare,” she recalls.

But Margaret was intrigued rather than intimidated. She started working with Phinn and discovered that beneath the lawless exterior was a smart, forward-thinking horse that just needed a mom and a job.

She also quickly realized that training a mustang was different in some ways than training other horses. “In the wild, if there’s a perceived threat they either flee or fight until it goes away,” she says. “You have to think about that in terms of everything you do with a mustang.”

Margaret learned that she couldn’t force Phinn to do anything; he was genetically pre-programmed to not back down in a confrontational situation. Instead, the most effective training strategy was to break everything down into smaller steps that her horse could understand.        

When I read Margaret your email, Frustrated, her first response was to separate the various issues.

First, she said, there’s the issue of your horse being herd-bound, the natural result of having lived under circumstances in which being part of a group was critical for survival. The bad news is, it’s impossible to totally train that instinct out of your mustang. The good news is, by gradually gaining his trust though fair, positive training experiences, the role you play in his social life can evolve. “With Phinn, I am his herd,” Margaret says.    

As for the bucking, bolting, rearing and balking, Margaret suggests that your horse’s behavioral problems boil down to basic training issues: He’s not on your aids. For Phinn, whose recurring behavior problem is spooking, punishing him for his natural hyper-awareness of his surroundings is unproductive. Instead, Margaret makes the most of the variables that she can control.    

Margaret recalls a Jimmy Wofford cross-country clinic she was riding in during which Phinn took offense to some flowers in front of a fence. “He ended up on top of the fence,” Margaret says, “like a goat.” In Jimmy’s mind, the problem wasn’t the flowers, the jump or the behavior. The problem was Phinn’s lack of response to his rider’s aids: “He told me, the horse has to go forward when you put your leg on, no matter what.”

That’s some tough stuff to work out, and a horse show probably isn’t the place to do it. Begin with the basics, making sure that your horse will move away from pressure (leg, hand and whip) in any situation. Start in the barn aisle, then the round pen, then the dressage arena, then the jumping ring, then a cross-country course, then schooling shows, and then–finally–events. Use the herd mentality as a training tool, letting him follow other horses over jumps to gain confidence. Start with small solo outings and gradually work toward longer ones. Help him understand that he has the most awesome job in the world and that you’re his best friend ever.

“I want my horse to realize that, at the end of the day, I’m the best deal they’ve got going for them in this situation. That if I tell them it’s OK, it’s OK,” Margaret says.  

Margaret admits that it’s a big responsibility but that embarking upon that journey with her own mustang has been an invaluable experience. “I knew when I got Phinn that this was going to be a journey,” she says. “It was going to be a relationship for a lifetime. It’s been a really wonderful opportunity to bring me back to the center of why I do this in the first place.”

If I was you, Frustrated, I’d enlist the help of a good trainer who can assist you in the process of selling your mustang on his new job. Read everything about equine behavior you can get your hands on to better get inside your horse’s head. There are lots of resources out there to help guide you, including Margaret’s own blogs here (older entries) and here (newer entries) chronicling her adventures with Phinn.

Good luck!

Leslie

p.s. Here are a couple of mustang eventing success stories to cheer you on.

Beam Me Up Scotty: Owned by Molly Hensley of Knoxville, Tenn., Scotty’s been showing riders the ropes of eventing for many years. “He’s the best horse ever,” Molly says. “He’s a once in a lifetime kind of horse. I always felt like he was going to take care of me. He’s so surefooted over terrain and clever over jumps–I’ve never felt safer on the back of a horse.” Most recently, Scotty competed at the 2011 AECs at Beginner Novice with junior rider Samantha Monnig. (Photo used with permission from WNC Photography)   

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Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].

So many crappy horse movies, so little time.

Dear Leslie,

I can’t decide whether to go see War Horse. I heard that it’s really sad and I hate crying in public. What do you think?

Thanks,

On the Fence

—

Dear On the Fence,

I actually haven’t seen War Horse. That I’m going to attempt to answer your question anyway should tip you off that this may be my worst column yet, so apologies in advance.

Like you, I prefer to dissolve into a blubbering snot-faucet in the privacy of my own home. War Horse is supposed to be an epic Spielberg weep-fest, so yeah: Maybe you and I should hold out for the DVD. Even the trailer made me cry–a horse with that nice a canter should never be sent off to war, what a waste. Kind of like taking a horse that won the USHJA Hunter Derby Finals and buying it for your daughter to ride in the junior hunters.

VIDEO BREAK: Destry Spielberg competing Rumba at Thermal last year.

What was I saying? Oh yeah–how come all good horse movies require a box of tissues? I guess because lighthearted horse movies, like Mr. Ed, which is currently under production, have a tendency to be lame. There’s still hope, I suppose. They could get Zach Galifianakis to be the voice of Mr. Ed.

Personally, my favorite horse movies are the ones that are so terrible they’re amazing–not unlike the mission statement of this column. Such films include The Long Shot, in which what’s-her-face from Dexter stars as a down-on-her-luck dressage rider who must overcome adversity to win the $20,000 grand prize at a prestigious local dressage show. I know, right? The Dark Horse is another one in which an estranged daughter “must tame her mother’s dangerous Friesian horse and ride him to victory in the year’s biggest dressage competition.”

It’s puzzling that there are multiple movies devoted to the adult-amateur dressage rider crowd and only one about eventing (Sylvester, duh). I’m pretty sure that if you took a poll, 10 out of 10 people would agree that watching horses gallop and jump is more exciting than watching them trot around in circles.

If you’re open to the coming-of-age horse movie genre, the possibilities are truly endless. Dark Horse, Moondance Alexander, Flicka, Flicka 2 and Dreamer, just to name a few, are all enchantingly melodramatic and fraught with deep meaning.

VIDEO BREAK: If this movie about the My Little Pony apocalypse was for real, I would totally go see it.

I also recently discovered a new and wildly entertaining subculture run by pre-teens with model horses and video cameras. Homemade Breyer horse movies are, like, kind of big deal–and many of them are actually impressive. I’m not too proud to admit that it’s 1:54 a.m. as I’m writing this, and I could be in bed by now had I not spent almost two hours watching Breyer horse movies on YouTube.

VIDEO BREAK: I couldn’t decide which one to show you–The Dark Knight rendered in model horses was a close second–but this trailer was just too enigmatic to resist.

My point is, if you think War Horse is going to bum you out, don’t sweat it. There are so many viable horse movie alternatives at your fingertips, there’s no shame in saving yourself $10 and some embarassment by sitting this Golden Globe-nominated film out and watching something crappy instead. That’s my plan, at least.

Good luck!

Leslie

—

Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].  

Dear Leslie,

Based on your new column, you seem to be a very wise, level-headed individual who can take the higher road and offer objective advice to those facing challenging situations. So… how would you deal with a local trainer (who you know casually) who loves to stir the pot and speak poorly of other local trainers who you do know well and respect? I found myself in this situation recently, and it being the holiday season, I want nothing more than Peace on the Barn Aisle and Good Will toward Trainers.

Thanks for your input,

Local Yokel Adult Rider Student

—

Dear Local Yokel,

Thank you for your question. Thank you also for your flattering, if erroneous, description of me as “a very wise, level-headed individual.” That one is definitely going on the fridge.

Local Yokel, let me ask you this: Are you familiar with The Saddle Club book series? Authored by Bonnie Bryant, there are 101 books in the series, and I have read them all probably three times apiece. The books follow the adventures of three horse-crazy teenagers–Carole, Lisa and Stevie–as they learn about riding and life at Pine Hollow Stables.

The Saddle Club’s arch-rival and nemesis is Veronica diAngelo. Veronica is a millionaire’s daughter whose parents are always buying her black stallions and fancy saddles, oblivious to the fact that their kid is a real pain in the butt. Veronica is always talking smack about The Saddle Club, like “Your riding clothes are so ugly” or “I’m going to sabotage you at the championship horse show.” And then The Saddle Club has to band together to triumph over adversity, sending a message of friendship and teamwork.

It’s messed up, I know. But it’s for real. Every horse community has at least one Veronica, somebody who likes to, as you put it, “stir the pot” and gossip about other people. I know it can be frustrating to be around all that negative jibber-jabber. Can’t we all just get along?

When I find myself in a situation like that, I think: What Would The Saddle Club Do? First, I think they’d look past that smack-talking façade and realize that it’s probably coming from a place of insecurity rather than sheer meanness. It only takes Carole, Lisa and Stevie 101 books to figure out that despite appearances, Veronica’s actually got it pretty rough. Her loaded, socialite parents never have time for her. They’re always buying her expensive stuff to make up for the fact that they’re constantly letting her down. So Veronica learns to keep other people at arm’s length. Her stuck-up attitude is really a cover for the fact that she’s lonely and insecure.  She’s mean to The Saddle Club, but secretly she’s jealous of their awesome friendship.

I also think The Saddle Club would stand their ground. They wouldn’t sit back and nod and smile; they’d pull the bus chain and be like, “Hey, I want off this conversation, it’s making me uncomfortable.” Don’t enable the trainer’s negativity by giving it your time and attention. Instead, politely steer the conversation back in a positive direction. Ask, “What has been your biggest accomplishment this season?” or “Which horse are you most excited about right now and why?”

It’s hard to take the high road, and we’ve got to remember to police our own thoughts, words and actions as well. Whenever I catch myself fantasizing about mixing up a batch of poo slush (recipe: 1 part manure to 3 parts water, mixed well) and dumping it on someone I don’t like, I just have to stop and ask myself: “Do I want to be like Veronica or do I want to be like Carole?” And that, Local Yokel, is one question that everyone has to answer for themselves.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

Good luck!

Leslie

—

Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].

With the holidays upon us and a brand-new year within arm’s reach, it seems appropriate to take a moment to reflect on all the glorious ridiculousness that 2011 had to offer. Perhaps, it’s even appropriate to celebrate it to the tune of one of our favorite holiday carols. Feel free to sing along:

On the 12th day of Christmas, Eventing Nation gave to me….

Kate Samuels photo

12 Dougs a-diving

Allie Conrada photo

11 kids a-dangling

10 dudes a-leaping

9 Marks a-??

8 drunk tailgaters

 7 bets gone badly

6 diapers needed 

5 four-star elves!!!

 Nico Morgan photo

 4 naked Brits

3 inmates (wait, is that Boyd Martin?)

2 magic words

…And a chinchilla in a Christmas tree.

— 

Keep it ridiculous Eventing Nation… and Go Eventing.

Dear Leslie,

In your column last week, you mentioned that you have a bunny you take to horse shows. So my question is: Really? And, if so: Why?

Sincerely,

JackRussellMom79

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Dear JackRussellMom79,

Thanks for your question and, yes, I do have a bunny. I’ve always been obsessed with training things: dogs, horses, boyfriends, etc. So when I saw a video of bunny show-jumping on EN earlier this year, I was more than a little intrigued. I made a beeline for the nearest animal shelter and picked out the friskiest rabbit in the lot, Amelia Earheart, to be my first sportbunny prospect.

While “Millie” got to work on chewing up everything I own, I did some research. As it turns out, bunny show-jumping (also known as “rabbit hopping”) originated in Sweden in the late ’70s. It has since evolved into a popular novelty sport in Europe with a more modest presence on this side of the pond. The world record for bunny high-jump is just shy of 3’3″, while the record for long jump is 9’8″–crazy, I know.

The rabbit hopping how-to manuals made it sound really easy. Like, all you have to do is wave a carrot around and your bunny will jump on command. What they don’t mention in the training manuals is that rabbits have the attention span of a goldfish and very little desire to please anyone but themselves.

Our “bounce training” definitely had its roadblocks. Sometimes Millie would decide she’d rather take a bath than jump, sometimes she’d rather take a nap, sometimes she would need to check something under the bed, and sometimes she just ran away. I’m glad training horses to jump isn’t as hard as training bunnies–I’d be locked up in a psych ward by now. Over time, though, she became more consistent. She mastered other skills, too, like pooing in a litter box and hopping on a leash.

Another goal I had for Millie was to be able to bring her with me to events. I don’t have a dog, which probably compromises my legitimacy as a horse-person, and I hoped that a bunny would fill that void. Since rabbits have very fragile dispositions–they can literally die from fright–I took Baby Millie everywhere I went in an effort to desensitize her. As a result, she could now care less about the hustle-bustle of shows. She loves frolicking in the grass and being fawned over by everyone she encounters. (With a few exceptions: At a recent event, one big-name trainer barked at me, “Get that thing out of here before my wife sees it.”)  

Millie is also earning a reputation as a good-luck charm. If a rabbit’s foot is lucky, a whole rabbit must be even luckier, right? In the future, I may set up a lucky bunny petting booth by the cross-country warm-up or just start renting her out by the hour.

With winter coming on, I wanted to make sure Millie had a friend to snuggle up with on cold nights. So our little family recently expanded to include a new bun named Dennis Hopper. Dennis immediately fell madly in love with Millie and will hopefully love her a little less after he gets neutered tomorrow. I hope to start his bounce training soon as well.

My heart definitely has a bunny-shaped hidey-hole where Millie and Dennis have come to reside. They’re even going to be the ring-bearers in my wedding next spring. I strongly encourage other eventers to consider adding a bunny to their entourage, even you, JackRussellMom79.  Just remember to keep it separate from your dog.

Good luck!

Leslie

Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].

Peace, love & eventing.      

Dear Leslie,

Everyone always says that the eventing community is so supportive and accepting. I worry though:

I am a vegetarian. My political views are liberal (call me a hippie, I won’t mind). I believe that the gap between the rich and poor is much too great. I am an environmentalist and I want you to be one too. I am more of a socialist than a capitalist. I don’t always wear deodorant. I smoke pot. I have seen The Grateful Dead three times. I listen to both folk and heavy metal.

Am I doomed to be an eventing outcast? Or is there hope for weirdoes like me? Can we really all get along?

Signed,

Eventing Freak

—

Dear Eventing Freak,

I understand your concern. On the surface, eventing may seem like a conformist sport, what with our matching outfits and million-trillion rules and everything else. It may even seem a little preppy and elitist. I’ve been to nearly 20 Phish shows myself, and I never once saw anybody walking around in a Joules polo shirt, I can tell you that.

But hippies know better than anybody that you can’t judge a book by its cover. To understand the true nature of anything, you’ve got to scratch below the surface. And festering just beneath of the surface of any true eventer is a great big freak.

There’s a wonderful scene in Alice in Wonderland when Alice comes across the Cheshire Cat and remarks, “But I don’t want to go among mad people.” To which the Cat replies: “Oh, you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” Flustered, Alice asks, “How do you know I’m mad?” And the Cat answers, “You must be. Or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Eventing is kind of like that. If you were a normal, sane person, you’d be at home watching American Idol with your hand in a box of Cheese-its. But you’ve chosen a different path. You’ve decided to participate in a sport that is complicated, time-consuming and both physically and emotionally demanding. And I promise you, nobody’s doing it simply for the thrill of winning a $4 ribbon. While eventers may differ wildly in their political views and aesthetic opinions, always remember that we’re all united by a singular all-consuming madness.

Here’s the downside. Someone once told me that there are two types of crazy people–people who know they’re crazy, and people who don’t. The latter are the ones you’ve got to worry about. Like when I hang my good-luck disco ball up outside my stall at the horse show, or when I walk my bunny on her leash on the cross-country course–I always know there’s going to one or two people who are going to give me dirty looks. It used to hurt my feelings, but one day I realized that when eventers cut other eventers down, it’s only because they don’t feel good about themselves. Maybe they wish their own life involved more disco balls and bunnies, or maybe they’re just irritated that someone else is having more fun than they are. Whatever their reasoning, you have to accept that it’s their problem, not yours.  

Personally, I think you sound like a super-cool person, exactly the kind of eventer I’d love to stable next to at a horse show. You could try to sell me on tofu, and I could try to sell you on deodorant. We’d talk and laugh and probably not smoke pot and have the best weekend ever. It’d be awesome.

Wow, I’ve been handing out some pretty good advice lately. If this keeps up, we may have to change the name of my column. I’ll try to do better next week.

Keep those freak flags flying,

Leslie

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Have a question for the “expert”? Email it to [email protected].

Winter presents many unique challenges to horse people. Here are a few of my favorite how-to tips for getting through the frozen months.

Aren’t you glad these people don’t board at your barn? 

How to… throw a holiday barn party that doesn’t suck: I used to dread holiday barn parties. It freaked me out to see my usually dirty, sweaty barn buds all showered and dressed like normal people. They walk in wearing a Christmas sweater with a casserole dish tucked under their arm and suddenly it’s like, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

Over the years, I’ve devised a few party activities to keep the focus on horses instead of how awkward we all are in real-life. Like having an equine awards ceremony, where you dole out superlatives like “Tightest Knees” and “Best Tail.” Or have everyone write down their riding goal(s) for the upcoming year, fold them up and drop them in the Goal Bowl for redistribution at next year’s holiday party. As a last resort, you can always play the Thrills and Spills drinking game: Every time someone falls off, everyone has to turn up their glass of, uh, hot cocoa.

That’s not chocolate milk, kids.

How to… not get kicked out of a Laundromat: Your horse blankets are filthy, but there’s no way you’re putting that stuff in your home washer. You need to take it to a Laundromat, but this option is not without its risks–leftover hairballs and mudblobs will send you straight to the top of any Laundromat owner’s “Most Wanted” list. One Laundromat actually hung a sign up after I’d been there that washing horse blankets was prohibited and violators would be prosecuted. Harsh!

So here’s what you need to do: Go at least one county over and find the most ghetto Laundromat you can. Visit during the off-hours–2 a.m. or so is ideal–and wear a ball-cap and sunglasses just to be sure. Act casual as you lean up against the machines, blocking the view of sloshing brown water the best you can from security cameras. As you leave, wave goodbye because you can never show your face here again.

Put a pony under this, Santa!  

How to… trick out your barn for Christmas: I’m not gonna lie: When it comes to Christmas decorations, I’m a little more Chevy Chase than Martha Stewart. But I’ve learned over the years that some décor is more barn friendly than others–my life-sized, light-up, mechanical reindeer at the barn entryway were NOT a hit with the horses. But others, like wreaths on doors and stockings on stalls, are both attractive and appropriate.

Even Martha would be proud of this crafty, red-and-green ribbon tree that sat in the corner of my tack room one year. It was classy, festive and the perfect solution for what to do with my least favorite ribbon colors.   

If only I was in Ocala…      

How to… break it to friends/family/employers that you’re heading south for the winter: You know that metaphor about boiled frogs? How if you put a frog in a pot of hot water it will jump out, but if you heat the water slowly the frog will cook to death without even realizing it? Well, that’s how you’re going to need to go about this.

First, pick an event–Rocking Horse, Sporting Days, etc.–and tell everyone you’re going down for the weekend to get a jumpstart on your season. But on Sunday when you should be heading home, your truck “breaks down.” This is a totally believable story, as breaking down is pretty much what all trucks do, at least in my experience. Then, on Monday, the “mechanic” tells you he can’t get the part until “later in the week.” Still believable. After a few days he calls you back to profusely apologize that “it’s a very rare part” and “he’s going to have to special order it from the factory.” Then, “the delivery truck gets snowed in by a “blizzard,” and so on and so forth. You think I’m kidding, but a variation on this theme bought me almost two months in Ocala one year.

Go winter eventing.